[X] My Assistant

If it's possible to use this thread to ask for translation composition help, rather than just Japanese help, I'd like to post my own questions. I've been translating works that use a lot of mimetic words and dense imagery, and I struggle to convey the sexiness of the sentences. While the translations are "correct", I think they're lacking. Could anyone who's experienced with this issue offer their own advice for any of the following lines? The context is henshin villains (female) dirty talking while reverse raping henshin heroes.
If you agree that my translation sounds awkward or insufficient, and have an opinion on what you think would be better, I'd really welcome any concrete suggestions. This is my favorite doujin manga author (warabimochi) so I want to do his work justice, if that's at all possible with my skill.

If you use text ripping software, you should really watch out for mistakes in the text. (この中どよね, ポール, おっしこと一緒.) If it's not that, then I suppose you made a bunch of typos. Either way, you should especially be careful about it if you're gonna show it to people. =/

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-この中どよね？このスーツ一枚下にタケルくんのビンカンおちんちん…あるんだよね？　/ It's in here, isn't it? Takeru-kun's sensitive penis... is just below this thin layer, isn't it?

General advice: 2nd person addresses really should use 2nd person pronouns (i.e., "your" instead of "Takeru-kun's"). (Unless it's different than I'm imagining and actually is a 3rd person address. But I think the situation you described sounds more like this would be 2nd person.)

I'd prefer something like "Your sensitive penis is under here, isn't it? Just below this thin layer..." There should be a better word than "sensitive", though... A possibility might be to move that out into its own sentence somehow commenting on him having a sensitive penis.

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- ほ～ら、ポールちゃんの調教の前にちょっとだけピュッピュしていこうね？ちゃんと我慢しないとパールちゃん

に嫌われちゃうよ？ / He~y, why don't we have you spurt a little bit before Pearl-chan's training? If you can't hold it in properly, Pearl-chan will end up disliking you, don't you think?

It sounds like she's saying that he should cum before Pearl starts training him (??) so that he doesn't cum too soon. (Supposing that's right...) I don't know if that idea is clearer in the full context of your translation, but I know it can definitely be clearer here out of context.

Like, "Let's make you cum a bit before Pearl-chan starts her training. You know she won't like it if you cum too soon." This changes some of the exact wording, but keeps the spirit (supposing, again, that I interpreted it right).

(If you're actually trying to avoid "cum" and use a diminutive in the same vein as ピュッピュ, though, then maybe replace "cum" with "squirt" (above and anywhere else hereafter). "Squirt" is at least better than "spurt" for that, IMO.)

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- にゅるにゅるの泡と一緒ににゅこにゅこされるの気持ちいい？思いっきり擦ってあげるからお湯の中にそのまま

ぴゅぴゅしちゃおうね？ / Doesn't it feel nice to become all slippery in the soapy bubbles? I'll rub you all over, so how about you just let it spurt into the hot water?

Without a definite context, I don't have the inspiration to spice this one up any.

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-おっしこと一緒にこっちも出しちゃおうな♪ / This came out along with the pee. ♪

I don't really understand this one without any context. But your line seems to be drastically different in tense, turning a verb that's not past tense into past tense.

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(This section seems especially awkward.)
-皮むきたての敏感おちんちん…　ふにゃふにゃとろとろ… / Unpeeled sensitive penis... Soft and sticky...
-ピンク色のちんぽクリトリス… / Pink-colored dick clitoris...
-ブルマのザラザラ生地でよろこんでる…　ここだけしこしこ♡カリ首だけごしごし♡ / The grainy fabric of my buruma has made it so happy... Stroking only here ♡ Rubbing just the head ♡
-アッ♡　やあ♡ / Aah ♡ Yaah ♡
-それ、ダメッ♡　またでちゃう～♡ / That's... oh no ♡ I'm coming again~ ♡

And this one's a little too odd/complex for me to feel up to doing anything with in the abstract, like this.

However, 皮むきたて should mean "freshly peeled", not "unpeeled".

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-ぷぴゅぷぴゅしたら私のおマンコでぬぷぬぷしてあげない！ / If you spurt it out, I won't let you in my pussy!

I think you could trim it a bit: "If you squirt, I won't let you in my pussy!"

If you use text ripping software, you should really watch out for mistakes in the text. (この中どよね, ポール, おっしこと一緒.) If it's not that, then I suppose you made a bunch of typos. Either way, you should especially be careful about it if you're gonna show it to people. =/

Yep, that should be だ　rather than ど, and おしっこ　rather than おっしこ. I did transcribe everything with an IME, and hadn't realized that I had made typos. (But I'm not that experienced with IMEs, so it's not surprising to me.) I've edited my original post　(found Pearl spelled Pole too...). I'm thankful you took the time to point out those mistakes. x.x

I'd prefer something like "Your sensitive penis is under here, isn't it? Just below this thin layer..." There should be a better word than "sensitive", though... A possibility might be to move that out into its own sentence somehow commenting on him having a sensitive penis.

Yes! That's exactly the type of translation that sounds natural when I read it. Maybe my problem is that I too literally translate consecutive broken phrases.

It sounds like she's saying that he should cum before Pearl starts training him (??) so that he doesn't cum too soon. (Supposing that's right...) I don't know if that idea is clearer in the full context of your translation, but I know it can definitely be clearer here out of context.

Yep, that's the context. I should've made that clearer, actually (I'll edit my original post to do so now). "In order for Takeru to not cum immediately during Pearl's training, she has Takeru cum twice in the bath beforehand." <-- That's my TL of an adjacent bit of narration which provided context.

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- にゅるにゅるの泡と一緒ににゅこにゅこされるの気持ちいい？思いっきり擦ってあげるからお湯の中にそのまま
ぴゅぴゅしちゃおうね？ / Doesn't it feel nice to become all slippery in the soapy bubbles? I'll rub you all over, so how about you just let it spurt into the hot water?

Without a definite context, I don't have the inspiration to spice this one up any.

If you're still interested: [i.imgur.com] http://i.imgur.com/WiGU896.jpg .

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-おっしこと一緒にこっちも出しちゃおうな♪ / This came out along with the pee. ♪

I don't really understand this one without any context. But your line seems to be drastically different in tense, turning a verb that's not past tense into past tense.

Ugh, clearly I should've clarified the context more in my original post, and I'll edit it again to do so. "It" = semen. Yeah, present progressive tense would work better. I'm guessing you would have suggested putting something like "semen" instead of "this" for the sake of clarity (though this line is adjacent to a picture of the boy cumming, so it's relatively straightforward in context). Also, for the sake of clarity, I'll upload the context: [i.imgur.com] http://i.imgur.com/Fi27PP9.jpg .

CODE

(This section seems especially awkward.)
-皮むきたての敏感おちんちん…　ふにゃふにゃとろとろ… / Unpeeled sensitive penis... Soft and sticky...
-ピンク色のちんぽクリトリス… / Pink-colored dick clitoris...
-ブルマのザラザラ生地でよろこんでる…　ここだけしこしこ♡カリ首だけごしごし♡ / The grainy fabric of my buruma has made it so happy... Stroking only here ♡ Rubbing just the head ♡
-アッ♡　やあ♡ / Aah ♡ Yaah ♡
-それ、ダメッ♡　またでちゃう～♡ / That's... oh no ♡ I'm coming again~ ♡

And this one's a little too odd/complex for me to feel up to doing anything with in the abstract, like this.

This is the one that I'd be most interested in any thoughts you have on, so if you feel like taking a look, it's image 4 of https://e-hentai.org/g/446131/ceb5143159/ .

However, 皮むきたて should mean "freshly peeled", not "unpeeled".

Right, thanks... I think I even Googled that one, but for some reason I ended up putting the opposite of what I should have... I was writing "unpeeled" and thinking it meant "peeled"/"unwrapped"... Before you ask, yes, English is my first language. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/huh.gif)

And thanks for all the advice and suggestions. The parts I didn't quote back were ones for which I didn't have a worthwhile response other than thanks. Anyway, I'm really glad I posted here finally--I feel a lot more equipped to phrase lines like these now. (Most of all, thanks for making this thread way back when.) And yes, I'll try to be more careful with typos (and I won't make the mistake of thinking that my translation/transcript is perfect such that people would be able to easily move past it and onto word choice...).

This post has been edited by myoxy: Jul 6 2013, 05:32

Yes! That's exactly the type of translation that sounds natural when I read it. Maybe my problem is that I too literally translate consecutive broken phrases.

Being too literal is definitely an easy trap to fall into. I think there are still ways I'm a bit too bound by the original line, too. It's easy to forget natural English when you're staring at Japanese lines. =P If you can just keep some of those more common traps in mind as you translate (or as you read over your translation), you should be able to make better scripts. ^^

But yeah, that's the way to do it. It's definitely good to be able to analyze (as much as possible, at least) the differences between your own translation and something you think is better (as opposed to just being happy that you've got something better). If my suggestions help you with that, I'm entirely glad to be of service. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)

If you're still interested: [i.imgur.com] http://i.imgur.com/WiGU896.jpg .

Maybe something like "Doesn't it feel nice to have your penis jacked off in the soapy bubbles? Leave the rubbing to me and just squirt (your stuff/cum?) right into the water."

I think にゅこにゅこ is just for jacking him off; perhaps you turned that into "slippery" instead.

Ugh, clearly I should've clarified the context more in my original post, and I'll edit it again to do so. "It" = semen. Yeah, present progressive tense would work better. I'm guessing you would have suggested putting something like "semen" instead of "this" for the sake of clarity (though this line is adjacent to a picture of the boy cumming, so it's relatively straightforward in context). Also, for the sake of clarity, I'll upload the context: [i.imgur.com] http://i.imgur.com/Fi27PP9.jpg .

It looks like it's not literally supposed to mean that the semen is coming out at the same time as the pee (which would be quite a feat)... From the end of the blurb on the left, it sounds to me like she may have led him into the toilet and she's basically just saying "While we're here, how about we make you cum (too)?" That could be a viable line, but it's also fairly different from her original line...but keeping it that faithful is too complicated for me. =/ That "While we're here" line is what I'd go with, if I were translating that. I could be wrong, but if so, I'm not sure how to be right. =P

This is the one that I'd be most interested in any thoughts you have on, so if you feel like taking a look, it's image 4 of https://e-hentai.org/g/446131/ceb5143159/ .

Yeah, that's not an easy thing to translate... >_<

Well...
"Your foreskin was just peeled back and your penis is still tender..."
"Soft and sticky..." (I'm in part just running with your line here. Mimetic words in isolation like that are difficult. =/ If anyone, Thira might be able to help you understand this better.)
"Your little pink clit-dick..."
"You're loving the rough feel (/texture/fabric) of my bloomers..."
"Jerk the shaft <3 , rub the head. <3"
And I'll basically defer to your lines for the rest. There's not especially any improvement to be made over them.

Take what you will from that. I'm not sure what a good translation of that - or something like that, really - should look like, so I don't really know what to aim for...or something. It's tough, in short. =/ If anything, you'll want to read the whole thing and get a real good handle on her attitude/style of speaking, and then try to mold all her lines to try to fit in with that in English.

(and I won't make the mistake of thinking that my translation/transcript is perfect such that people would be able to easily move past it and onto word choice...).

Whenever a new person comes in with an odd line, it's always an open question of whether there was a text ripper at work (which I, at least, have always eschewed) or if it was just a typo. The easy fallback is to always link a reference, though. On the other hand, I can also understand a desire to be secretive, if that's a concern. (It's always on my mind just a bit, but then, I tend to be a little paranoid. =P )

I think にゅこにゅこ is just for jacking him off;

Yea.
"にゅこにゅこ" is simply short for "にゅるにゅるしこしこ" and means "slimy-hand job".

I think にゅこにゅこ is just for jacking him off; perhaps you turned that into "slippery" instead.

I had no idea. I think I did a Google search but didn't find anything. So I guessed it was some kind of vulgar way of saying slippery. Thanks.

Also, Thira: thanks a lot for posting to confirm that.

It looks like it's not literally supposed to mean that the semen is coming out at the same time as the pee (which would be quite a feat)... From the end of the blurb on the left, it sounds to me like she may have led him into the toilet and she's basically just saying "While we're here, how about we make you cum (too)?" That could be a viable line, but it's also fairly different from her original line...but keeping it that faithful is too complicated for me. =/ That "While we're here" line is what I'd go with, if I were translating that. I could be wrong, but if so, I'm not sure how to be right. =P

Thanks for the correction; I can understand your reasoning. Now that I think of it, would the line I translated have been ちゃいます in Japanese instead of ちゃうおな?

You've definitely noticed this now, but yeah, my Japanese has problems. It's good enough for my purposes that I can translate a large amount of material and have very few and minor (minor as in doesn't affect the flow of the story, but I know it doesn't do warabimochi justice) TL errors in the first draft. But some things I literally know at a factual level, while others (especially grammar) I tend to rely on intuition for. I'd try to improve it, but for various reasons it's difficult for me to learn from others' explanations, which is why I hope it doesn't seem that I'm focusing "too much" on the post-comprehension phase of translation when my "basics" may seem very flawed from your perspective. I am thankful you pointed out to me something about Japanese (which I've now registered at a conscious level). (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)

Well...
"Your foreskin was just peeled back and your penis is still tender..."
"Soft and sticky..." (I'm in part just running with your line here. Mimetic words in isolation like that are difficult. =/ If anyone, Thira might be able to help you understand this better.)
"Your little pink clit-dick..."
"You're loving the rough feel (/texture/fabric) of my bloomers..."
"Jerk the shaft <3 , rub the head. <3"
And I'll basically defer to your lines for the rest. There's not especially any improvement to be made over them.

Take what you will from that. I'm not sure what a good translation of that - or something like that, really - should look like, so I don't really know what to aim for...or something. It's tough, in short. =/ If anything, you'll want to read the whole thing and get a real good handle on her attitude/style of speaking, and then try to mold all her lines to try to fit in with that in English.

I knew it would be a relatively tough one. I was just really interested in the extent to which other people would change the level of fragment-ization or change or connect the meaning between the phrases to make those lines flow better. Your style of translation seems to be exactly what I aim for, by having phrases flow naturally while retaining much of the tone and characterization. So I'm extremely satisfied to finally see what that looks like, and appreciate you attempting this even though it's not a puzzle with a fun solution.

Whenever a new person comes in with an odd line, it's always an open question of whether there was a text ripper at work (which I, at least, have always eschewed) or if it was just a typo. The easy fallback is to always link a reference, though. On the other hand, I can also understand a desire to be secretive, if that's a concern. (It's always on my mind just a bit, but then, I tend to be a little paranoid. =P )

It's actually not like I was trying to be secretive; all the lines are from [www.pixiv.net] http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mod...ust_id=28726762 and that g.e-hentai gallery, mostly the former. I was trying to avoid linking the entire lengthy setting data without being asked because I was afraid you'd have the impression I was doing so because I wanted you to read more of it for the sake of making informed suggestions, so basically I just didn't want to pressure you or take even more of your time. And I'm not translating this for anyone, not even for the secret club of warabimochi admirers besides me that I wish existed; I have nowhere to release it and don't know anyone who's interested in it. And I've never participated in, nor have any plans to participate in, any kind of bounty. I'd freely send it to anyone who wanted it. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/wink.gif) Once again, major thanks for your detailed advice.

Now that I think of it, would the line I translated have been ちゃいます in Japanese instead of ちゃうおな?

You're talking about "came out"...? That's still a different tense (non-past vs past)...

(Not that I'd say it's absolutely impossible to change tenses, though.)

[...] I hope it doesn't seem that I'm focusing "too much" on the post-comprehension phase of translation

I don't care (at this point, at least). Comprehending is only the start. Putting it in good words is (or should be) at least as important. I don't know that that part is explicitly teachable (unless that's what a writing class is), but if I can help you develop that, I'm happy to be of service.

when my "basics" may seem very flawed from your perspective.

I would say you have your problems, but I haven't seen enough that I would call it "very" and "flawed". If you want to deepen your understanding/intuition, you might want to read/watch more. Watching (anime or something) has the advantage of communicating tone as well as the words, so that you can better understand something that might be ambiguous if it were just text. But reading has the advantage of letting you proceed entirely at your own pace.

Of course, depending on how much formal learning you've actually had, Japanese classes could also be an option if you're at all in a position to take them.

I knew it would be a relatively tough one. I was just really interested in the extent to which other people would change the level of fragment-ization or change or connect the meaning between the phrases to make those lines flow better. Your style of translation seems to be exactly what I aim for, by having phrases flow naturally while retaining much of the tone and characterization. So I'm extremely satisfied to finally see what that looks like, and appreciate you attempting this even though it's not a puzzle with a fun solution.

You can also, of course, pay attention to official subtitles for anime and stuff. Not all of it may be quite what you'd like, but you can often find something to take away (like a single word or phrase or line, especially those with no direct English equivalent). And you can always just analyze how far a "real" translation may differ from the raw, and whether you feel like that's acceptable to you and maybe something you'd like to aim for.

Now that I think of it, would the line I translated have been ちゃいます in Japanese instead of ちゃうおな?

"しちゃいます" = "I (will) do ～"
"しちゃおうな?" = "(let's) do ～, ok?"

"しちゃいます" = "I (will) do ～"
"しちゃおうな?" = "(let's) do ～, ok?"

Yeah, thanks--that was in fact my understanding, actually. I just said the wrong thing again... (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/anime_cry.gif) I thought about replying earlier (and since you went to the trouble of clarifying, I now know I should have) just to tell PDDNM that when I typed the phrase "the line I translated" it was yet another verbal slip, but it seemed like it'd come off as an awkward excuse. I almost wish I really had been clueless to the basic fact that -masu is present tense, so I could say so and not have it seem like I'm covering massive grammar inadequacies (although if I really wanted to go all-out covering myself, I would have said more about the flawed intuitive thinking patterns that led me to confuse that line in the first place). (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)

The TL I posted was from a partially finished script that I worked on a few months ago but put on hold because I wasn't satisfied with the wording, and I carelessly didn't attempt to proofread my TL accuracy because I thought the focus would be on the phrasing choices that interested me, not realizing how typos and errors plus a lack of context would lead the discussion back to the Japanese. In retrospect, if I had just initially posted that one difficult-to-word series of lines with a link to the g.e-hentai raw for reference, I would've still been able to learn a lot while making it a lot easier for PDDNM to help me. (I don't mean to be a wet blanket with my self-criticism here, by the way; I'm really grateful for the help I received, but I know it would've been a lot more straightforward if I'd proofread it all first, so in addition to all the thanks I've offered, let me apologize here as well.)

I don't know that that part is explicitly teachable (unless that's what a writing class is), but if I can help you develop that, I'm happy to be of service.

Learning from others' explicit teaching is actually more difficult for me; contrasting your writing style with my own is a purely intuitive, so it's exactly what I'd hoped for. Relying on intuition is bad for me because it's practically all I know, not because it's not deep enough. But that's just a personal issue related to the atypical way that I learn some things.

And here I am once again seeking the thumbs up/down by another new guy. Some of the script for this.
-----------------------------
Page 05
-----------------------------

Title: スンゴイ。
Superb. (also: super, superlative, great, terrific, divine, etc.)

・・・なあちょっと
頼みがあるんだが・・・
おっぱいみせて！
… Hey, so I have a small request…
Let me see your boobs!
-OR-
Show me your boobs!
-OR-
I wanna see your boobs!

ちょ、ちょっと
何いってんのよ！
W-wait, what are you saying?!

あ、いやスマン
冗談だ・・・
Ah, no, sorry. I was just kidding…

忘れてくれ・・・
Please forget it…

え・・・別に
いいけど・・・
Um… well, it's fine by me…

いいのかよ！
Really?!

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Page 06
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・・・見せるのは
いいんだけどさぁ
I mean, I'm fine with showing them to you, but…

なんで
ジャージ・・・
Why a tracksuit…

やっぱり弾けるところから
みたいじゃん！
ってお前もうヤバいことに
なってない？
Cuz I wanna see them burst [open] the zippers again!
Speaking of which, aren't you already in trouble?
-OR-
Speaking of which, aren't they already about to do so?

だ、だだって
あれから別に
買い換えたりとか
してないし！
B-because… because I haven't replaced it since last time!
End.

Sounds about right

I keep coming across this phrase and I don't really know what it means.

At one moment, this guy sees a hot girl and he says:

たまんねな　あのケツ！！

That ass is ____!!

What does たまんね mean?

I keep coming across this phrase and I don't really know what it means.

At one moment, this guy sees a hot girl and he says:

たまんねな　あのケツ！！

That ass is ____!!

What does たまんね mean?

たまんね＝堪らない
Intolerable, unbearable, unendurable, etc.

Intolerable, unbearable, unendurable, etc.

Terribly literal...

"Out of this world", "awesome", etc...

Terribly literal...

"Out of this world", "awesome", etc...

Since 堪らない is a negative, I'd translate it as "unbearable" or another negative expression with a meaning close to that.
Also, 堪る is a verb so I'd translate a phrase like たまんねな　あのケツ！！ as "I can't resist that ass!!" or anything like that.

What does たまんね mean?

To give a comparison, assume the ass was emitting light. "Wow that ass is so bright I can't even keep my eyes open looking at it!! Woah!!"

Basically what PDDNM said.

Edit: Also, translating it "literally" would just simply be wrong. The literal translation does not convey the same meaning.

This post has been edited by Thot: Jul 15 2013, 21:01

Since 堪らない is a negative, I'd translate it as "unbearable" or another negative expression with a meaning close to that.
Also, 堪る is a verb so I'd translate a phrase like たまんねな　あのケツ！！ as "I can't resist that ass!!" or anything like that.

See definition 3 at [dictionary.goo.ne.jp] http://dictionary.goo.ne.jp/leaf/jn2/13892...81%AA%E3%81%84/ . It's not strictly a "negative" word. That's just the superficial form.

The form is usually much less important than the actual meaning. If something "negative" in Japanese sounds unnatural as a "negative" line in English, you don't want to trap yourself into an awkward line just because that's the original form; if a "positive" line sounds better, use that.

I totally get wanting to stick close to aspects of the Japanese line, but sometimes that doesn't work as well as something less strict.

たまんねな　あのケツ！！

I'll simply translate it into:
"dat ass! fucking incredible!!"

"Literally",　it should be "attractive".
But, I think the emotion "wanna drill" may be hidden behind the line, so I translate it as.
(Also, this line is enough "dirty" as Japanese.)

BTW, "literally", this "たまんない" menas "can't stay/can't keep sanity/can't lay back (...as shadow_moon said)" = "attractive/moving".

See definition 3 at [dictionary.goo.ne.jp] http://dictionary.goo.ne.jp/leaf/jn2/13892...81%AA%E3%81%84/ .

All of definition 2, 3 and 4 are came from 1.

This post has been edited by Thira: Jul 15 2013, 23:38

Irresistible

Since it looks like every translator is giving their own translation, I'll do the same.
Depending on whether the register the character is using, I like to translate it as "I can't get enough (of that ass)".

All of definition 2, 3 and 4 are came from 1.

Be that as it may, the point was that its meaning is not strictly "negative", which definition 3 clearly illustrates.