[X] My Assistant

Oh. I noticed that some of those SFX sounds are a combination of two different onces.

like:
ズピュ
zupyu
zu=*vigorous motion* pyu=*fast motion*
while zupyu doesn't appear thejadednetwork or Tonigobe's guide.

I'll start by fixing SFX in chapter 3.

プンクは猫だからオシッコが少し臭う（なんてリアルな設定なんだ！）
Pink's urine stinks a little, because she is a cat (what a realistic setting)
猫娘, "cat girl".

don't bit me ....
"bite".
Most SFX are very possible to find. There's a link to a Tonigobe SFX guide floating around somewhere (I'm not gonna try to find it right now), or [thejadednetwork.com] the jaded network is another option. I'm fairly sure Tonigobe's is missing a number in jaded network, and jaded network I think is missing a few in Tonigobe, but both are pretty extensive.
'shikotteshimatte' -> 'shikocchimatte'. [しこるhttp] しこる (3) probably, so basically "excited".

I think that it means stiff. It's the forth meaning mentioned there.

So it should be:

ピンク　こんなに・しこっちまって・どうしたんだ・
Pink, you are so stiff, is something wrong?

シーッ・もう少し待て
shi
*stare*
'shi' is "shh", and the latter part isn't translated.

this such a indecent pose is amazing
Needs better wording.

あやめったら…あ…あ
if you stop....
...aaah....ah...
'ttara' is basically "I said", not conditional/"if". Likewise in the following line, too.

もう・くたくたにゃ・……
after hat,
I'm exhausted nyaaa
Is "hat" a typo?

下は・ほれ　まだ・元気だ
Look you still have strength there,
down below.
It's kind of a weird line, but that tl just doesn't make sense. "I'm still going strong down here, see?" or something.

仕方ないにゃー・もう・モゴ…モゴ……
It can't be helped, nyaa.
again
mogo...mogo... *mumbling*
'mou' is just exasperation, not "again".

サンタァ・いっぱい……・いっぱいよォ
Santa,
a lot...
a lot...
"(I'm) full" is better than "a lot".

ちょいとセーブします
QUICK SAVE
"Save real quick." or "A quick save." or something. "Quick Save" is a Thing, and 'choito' is not that same Thing.

And that should have been the end of the chapter, but...?

ごん・ごん
gon gon
It's actually 'gosogoso'.

てめえら・何のぞいてんだあ
What are you guy looking at?
Plural. Also, "peeping on" or "spying on".

あ～ん・H
ahn
H
TL NOTE H refers to Hentai/their having sex
No. It's 'ecchi', "perverted"/"perverts".

総員・起床
Whole squad!
Get up!
TL note the second word means "get out of bed".
Hmm, "All hands" or "all units" sounds better. And "Awake!" I think.

何者かの魔法攻撃・による進入が・あったもようです
Someone has sneaked in by using a magical attack.
That kind of explosion isn't very sneaky. Maybe "invaded" instead of "sneaked in".

あのれ・ここを・ピューピック城と知ってのことか
That person knew that this is Princess Pubic Castle.
TL or "I wonder if that person knew that this is Princess Pubic Castle."
"Do (they/the bastards) realize this is Pubic Castle?" Princess is nowhere in there.

我ら・デルタ・フォースが・目にもの・見せてくれる
We the Delta Force will teach that person a lesson.
"teach them". And probably "We of".

ハハハハは
ha ha ha ha ha
*masculine laughter*
...I don't think 'haha[...]' is all that masculine, particularly?

何やっ・姿を見せい
I see some kind of shape.
'nani yatsu', "Who are you?" 'sugata wo mise(i)', "Show yourself!".

More later.

プンクは猫だからオシッコが少し臭う（なんてリアルな設定なんだ！）
Pink's urine stinks a little, because she is a cat (what a realistic setting)
猫娘, "cat girl".

don't bit me ....
"bite".
Most SFX are very possible to find. There's a link to a Tonigobe SFX guide floating around somewhere (I'm not gonna try to find it right now), or [thejadednetwork.com] the jaded network is another option. I'm fairly sure Tonigobe's is missing a number in jaded network, and jaded network I think is missing a few in Tonigobe, but both are pretty extensive.
'shikotteshimatte' -> 'shikocchimatte'. [www.weblio.jp] しこる (3) probably, so basically "excited".

シーッ・もう少し待て
shi
*stare*
'shi' is "shh", and the latter part isn't translated.

this such a indecent pose is amazing
Needs better wording.

あやめったら…あ…あ
if you stop....
...aaah....ah...
'ttara' is basically "I said", not conditional/"if". Likewise in the following line, too.

Thanks, I didn't realize that it also indicated exasperation. Although, I've heard it being used a lot of times.

もう・くたくたにゃ・……
after hat,
I'm exhausted nyaaa
Is "hat" a typo?

yep

下は・ほれ　まだ・元気だ
Look you still have strength there,
down below.
It's kind of a weird line, but that tl just doesn't make sense. "I'm still going strong down here, see?" or something.

仕方ないにゃー・もう・モゴ…モゴ……
It can't be helped, nyaa.
again
mogo...mogo... *mumbling*
'mou' is just exasperation, not "again".

hmm. should I just skip mou in the translation. I can't think of a good replacement.

サンタァ・いっぱい……・いっぱいよォ
Santa,
a lot...
a lot...
"(I'm) full" is better than "a lot".

ちょいとセーブします
QUICK SAVE
"Save real quick." or "A quick save." or something. "Quick Save" is a Thing, and 'choito' is not that same Thing.

And that should have been the end of the chapter, but...?

It was specified in the bounty to translate up to page 67. So I did just as the bounty said.

ごん・ごん
gon gon
It's actually 'gosogoso'.

てめえら・何のぞいてんだあ
What are you guy looking at?
Plural. Also, "peeping on" or "spying on".

あ～ん・H
ahn
H
TL NOTE H refers to Hentai/their having sex
No. It's 'ecchi', "perverted"/"perverts".

総員・起床
Whole squad!
Get up!
TL note the second word means "get out of bed".
Hmm, "All hands" or "all units" sounds better. And "Awake!" I think.

何者かの魔法攻撃・による進入が・あったもようです
Someone has sneaked in by using a magical attack.
That kind of explosion isn't very sneaky. Maybe "invaded" instead of "sneaked in".

あのれ・ここを・ピューピック城と知ってのことか
That person knew that this is Princess Pubic Castle.
TL or "I wonder if that person knew that this is Princess Pubic Castle."
"Do (they/the bastards) realize this is Pubic Castle?" Princess is nowhere in there.

我ら・デルタ・フォースが・目にもの・見せてくれる
We the Delta Force will teach that person a lesson.
"teach them". And probably "We of".

ハハハハは
ha ha ha ha ha
*masculine laughter*
...I don't think 'haha[...]' is all that masculine, particularly?

何やっ・姿を見せい
I see some kind of shape.
'nani yatsu', "Who are you?" 'sugata wo mise(i)', "Show yourself!".

I though that it's a small tsu. I was wrong :/

More later.

Thanks. I've fixed those mistakes that you've mentioned.
I added the missing SFX sounds. Tonigobe's guide seems much better than thejaddednetwork.
I also change the structure of the document, so it should be more readable.
Now all panels are divided from each other. It makes it easier for to to spot missing SFX, etc.

Let me know if you like the new format better. If so I'll update other documents in this style as well.

hmm. should I just skip mou in the translation. I can't think of a good replacement.

"Sheesh", "jeez", "sigh"...something like that.

I added missing SFX in chapters 1-5 (episodes 17-21). I also changed the format of the document.

I'm going to fix chapters 6-7 tomorrow (episodes 22-23).

This post has been edited by piotr012: May 4 2012, 23:02

I finished adding missing SFX in chapters 1-7 (episodes 17-23). I changed the structure of the document and I found out that some text was left untranslated.

I've finished working on the chapter 4 of volume 3 (episode 20)
[goo.gl] http://goo.gl/EfnRm

The Bondage Sisters are Rubber, Leather, and Enamel.

高速言語をとなえているため烏（からす）のなき声の様に聞こえる。
Her words were meant to be spoken at thigh speed, that's why her voice sound like a crying crow.
I usually see 'karasu' written out, like カラス, so it's probably 鳥 (とり, bird) instead of 烏.
Typo: "thigh".
"She is speaking at high speed (/a high speed language?), so"... (her voice/it sounds like a bird's cry/a birdcall). Not "Her words were meant to be...".

ふ・手応えのない
fu *sigh*,
there is no response.
'fu' is more contemptuous here than "sigh", which just sounds like exasperation to me.
手応えのない comes out like "Too easy". I'm not sure what it's literally supposed to be, but that's the meaning.

These fellows will be enough for your.
Typo. "you"?

いでよビーストナイト
Come out, my beast nights
I'd rather go with "Beast Knight(s)". There's no way to know for sure, but Knight is a bit more likely than Night for a monster class/name.

白き神々よ 俺の者達を囲み（かこみ） 神の手綱（たずな）おかけよ
Divine gods! Surround those standing in front of me with divine reins!
INTERNAL NOTE jumon wo kakeru - cast a spell
'shiroki kamigami yo' was "Hear me, gods of good!" in a previous chapter. I like consistency.
俺の=彼の(=あの).
It's not 'jumon wo kakeru', it's just 'taduna wo kakeru' (put on the reins/bridle).
And there are 3 clauses, not 2. (The 1st ends at よ, the 2nd at 囲み.)
"Hear me, gods of good! Enclose those beings and bridle them with your divine reins!"

ビースト・ボンバ
Beast Bomb
'bonba' is "Bomba" in Dragon Pink.

一体 何が起きたんだ？
What on earth? What has happened?
It's one sentence; you don't need two "what"s.

大広間の方じゃ・遅れるな
the people from the great hall are late
Two sentences. Think of じゃ as being だ.
The first she's saying it's from/towards/in the direction of the great/banquet/reception hall. The second she might be hoping that they won't be late, or else she's telling Santa and Pink not to be slow...I'm not sure.

奴ら……１３年後前のように
they...are like those that appeared 13 years ago.
"They...(just) like 13 years ago".

どんなことがあろうと姫様に会わすわけにはいかん
No matter what happens we will not leave our princess.
"(we will not/we cannot) let them see/meet our/the princess".

みんなのものここを死守するのだ
This is a fight to the death.
"Everyone, you shall" or "We shall" ..."defend this point to your/our last breath."

さあ　はいてもらおうか デルタはどこにいる？
Now then, I'm going to let myself in. Where is Delta?
はいて (吐く), not はいって (入る). Retry.

もはや・これまでか……
They went so far already.,,,
"(So) This is as far as I go (huh?)".

ふん　人間風情が負け惜しみを言おって
hmph, are you saying that your human dignity doesn't allow you to admit defeat.
Basically, "a lowly human can't [ejje.weblio.jp] accept his defeat gracefully". I'm not sure where "dignity" came from, but given the raw line, the above line is a bit odd as a translation.

へっ　これ以上好みきにさせてたまるか
hehe, As if I could bear to allow you do as you wish, anymore.
"As if I'll allow". The "bear" part isn't necessary in translation.

好き勝手に暴れおって
(because of) your violent actions on your own accord.
"wreaking havoc as you please" or something, but not that line above.

You are rushing to your's doom.
Typo.

書いてあったろ
INTERNAL NOTE What does the ro stand for at the end?
Probably shortened from something like 書いてあっただろう.

よろいがモンスターに・変わった？
Did the ARMOR turn into a monster?
Not...um, that kind of question. More like just a statment as a question: "The ARMOR turned into a monster?"

ウにゃ
What, nya?
It could be partly 'un', but I think it's just a random(ish) sound.

ワギャ
wagya
'fu'

このおおお……
you won't ....
INTERNAL NOTE a part of sentence "このおれ。。。”
"このおれ。。。”? No. Just drawn out, この~~~.

More later.

This post has been edited by PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore: May 5 2012, 15:24

Volume 18 edited by kjoif, uploaded as a private gallery for the final proofreading here: https://e-hentai.org/g/488770/778160edbf/

Original script is here: https://forums.e-hentai.org/index.php?s=&am...t&p=1858469

Won't release it anyway till 17 is done...

Volume 18 edited by kjoif, uploaded as a private gallery for the final proofreading here: https://e-hentai.org/g/488770/778160edbf/

Original script is here: https://forums.e-hentai.org/index.php?s=&am...t&p=1858469

Won't release it anyway till 17 is done...

Here are some comments.

Page 26(2):
予は　この国の
プリンセス
デルタ
ピュービック
三世である。
In the gallery: I'm Delta Cubic, the 3rd princess of this country.
This sentence sounds now as if there were two other princesses. Actually is a princess of 3rd generation. Meaning Her father/mother were from the second generation.

So you should replace the translation with:
I'm Delta Pubic III, the princess of this country.
or " I'm Delta Cubic the 3rd, the princess of this country."
or "I'm Delta Cubic, the princess of this country of the 3rd generation."

Page 28(4):
パシッ
*sound of hitting head*

Page 34(10):
ポワァ
powa
*puffs, as in thoughts arising*


I added those changes to the script.

This post has been edited by piotr012: May 5 2012, 18:41

I see, I'll correct those bits. If you don't mind, I also corrected some grammar, although fairly minor. I had looked at the updated script, some SFXs made more sense in the older one though.

This post has been edited by kjoif: May 5 2012, 18:54

Volume 18 edited by kjoif, uploaded as a private gallery for the final proofreading here: https://e-hentai.org/g/488770/778160edbf/

That's the wrong volume in the gallery title, Red. I don't know if you're just gonna publish the same gallery, or make a new one later, but that should be fixed.

029.jpg

"you don't want to witness the death of this man, right?"

031.jpg

(2 things) "One day, a monk found a book called "The Grimoire of the Yin", and he used it broke a taboo."

032.jpg

(Period, not comma) "That monk was consumed by greed. He sacrificed"...

033.jpg

"He's your brother?"

"I shall explain. In the the Grimoire, on the page of prophecy, is written the only clue to the curse that remains on the princess." ...This is from the script (with a couple minor modifications). It works. The current line doesn't; use this one.

Again from the script...? "It is written "the born in poverty, cursed cat-girl"." The first hyphen in the current line is wrong...but we'll put a comma where that was.

034.jpg

"This sword has brought us to this country!"

(last bubble, question mark) ..."are you planning to do?"

035.jpg

"Hear me, gods of good! Remove the dark disease dwelling in this vessel." is a little better than the current/original line.

"Sarida" -> "Salida". It might be Spanish.

036.jpg

"uruuru~ *gentle feeling*" One or the other. Also, it's [ejje.weblio.jp] "teary", not "gentle feeling".

"Santa, you're cured. I'm so glad."

044.jpg

"Santa, it was great, nyan."...once again, from the script, and "it was" got dropped...? I don't care if you want to keep "really".

This post has been edited by PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore: May 5 2012, 19:55

That's the wrong volume in the gallery title, Red. I don't know if you're just gonna publish the same gallery, or make a new one later, but that should be fixed.

029.jpg

"you don't want to witness the death of this man, right?"

031.jpg

(2 things) "One day, a monk found a book called "The Grimoire of the Yin", and he used it broke a taboo."

032.jpg

(Period, not comma) "That monk was consumed by greed. He sacrificed"...

033.jpg

"He's your brother?"

"I shall explain. In the the Grimoire, on the page of prophecy, is written the only clue to the curse that remains on the princess." ...This is from the script (with a couple minor modifications). It works. The current line doesn't; use this one.

Again from the script...? "It is written "the born in poverty, cursed cat-girl"." The first hyphen in the current line is wrong...but we'll put a comma where that was.

034.jpg

"This sword has brought us to this country!"

(last bubble, question mark) ..."are you planning to do?"

035.jpg

"Hear me, gods of good! Remove the dark disease dwelling in this vessel." is a little better than the current/original line.

"Sarida" -> "Salida". It might be Spanish.

036.jpg

"uruuru~ *gentle feeling*" One or the other. Also, it's [ejje.weblio.jp] "teary", not "gentle feeling".

"Santa, you're cured. I'm so glad."

044.jpg

"Santa, it was great, nyan."...once again, from the script, and "it was" got dropped...? I don't care if you want to keep "really".

Oh. You are right. A la salida means an exit in spanish.

サリダァ
Salida
TL NOTE "la salida" means "an exit" in Spanish.

044.jpg

"Santa, it was great, nyan."...once again, from the script, and "it was" got dropped...? I don't care if you want to keep "really".
I shouldn't drop "really". I updated the translation with "Santa, it was really great, nyan".

I also applied other changes to the script, that you suggested.

This post has been edited by piotr012: May 5 2012, 21:05

The Bondage Sisters are Rubber, Leather, and Enamel.

高速言語をとなえているため烏（からす）のなき声の様に聞こえる。
Her words were meant to be spoken at thigh speed, that's why her voice sound like a crying crow.
I usually see 'karasu' written out, like カラス, so it's probably 鳥 (とり, bird) instead of 烏.
Typo: "thigh".
"She is speaking at high speed (/a high speed language?), so"... (her voice/it sounds like a bird's cry/a birdcall). Not "Her words were meant to be...".

You are right. It's a bird rather than a crow. I think that rather than crying it's more like tweeting/chirping. I changed the translation to:
She is speaking at high speed, that's why her voice sounds like a tweeting bird.

ふ・手応えのない
fu *sigh*,
there is no response.
'fu' is more contemptuous here than "sigh", which just sounds like exasperation to me.
手応えのない comes out like "Too easy". I'm not sure what it's literally supposed to be, but that's the meaning.

You are right. It's a bird rather than a crow. I think that rather than crying it's more like tweeting/chirping. I changed the translation to:
She is speaking at high speed, that's why her voice sounds like a tweeting bird.

ふ・手応えのない
Heh, no resistence at all.
These fellows will be enough for your.
Typo. "you"?

yes

いでよビーストナイト
Come out, my beast nights
I'd rather go with "Beast Knight(s)". There's no way to know for sure, but Knight is a bit more likely than Night for a monster class/name.

that's another typo. I meant to use "Beast Nights"

白き神々よ 俺の者達を囲み（かこみ） 神の手綱（たずな）おかけよ
Divine gods! Surround those standing in front of me with divine reins!
INTERNAL NOTE jumon wo kakeru - cast a spell
'shiroki kamigami yo' was "Hear me, gods of good!" in a previous chapter. I like consistency.
俺の=彼の(=あの).
It's not 'jumon wo kakeru', it's just 'taduna wo kakeru' (put on the reins/bridle).
And there are 3 clauses, not 2. (The 1st ends at よ, the 2nd at 囲み.)
"Hear me, gods of good! Enclose those beings and bridle them with your divine reins!"

ビースト・ボンバ
Beast Bomb
'bonba' is "Bomba" in Dragon Pink.

一体 何が起きたんだ？
What on earth? What has happened?
It's one sentence; you don't need two "what"s.

大広間の方じゃ・遅れるな
the people from the great hall are late
Two sentences. Think of じゃ as being だ.
The first she's saying it's from/towards/in the direction of the great/banquet/reception hall. The second she might be hoping that they won't be late, or else she's telling Santa and Pink not to be slow...I'm not sure.

Oh. In that case I think that in the first sentence she is saying that,princess and maze or just princess, are going to the great hall.
The second sentence probably is directed towards Pink and Santa (they are behind princess) to don't be late or rather not to fall behind.

I change the translation to:
We are going to the great hall.
Don't fall behind!

奴ら……１３年後前のように
they...are like those that appeared 13 years ago.
"They...(just) like 13 years ago".

どんなことがあろうと姫様に会わすわけにはいかん
No matter what happens we will not leave our princess.
"(we will not/we cannot) let them see/meet our/the princess".

I changed it to:
We cannot let them meet the princess, no matter what!

みんなのものここを死守するのだ
This is a fight to the death.
"Everyone, you shall" or "We shall" ..."defend this point to your/our last breath."

さあ　はいてもらおうか デルタはどこにいる？
Now then, I'm going to let myself in. Where is Delta?
はいて (吐く), not はいって (入る). Retry.

Oh, sorry. I changed it to:
Now then, will you tell me where the princess is?

もはや・これまでか……
They went so far already.,,,
"(So) This is as far as I go (huh?)".

ふん　人間風情が負け惜しみを言おって
hmph, are you saying that your human dignity doesn't allow you to admit defeat.
Basically, "a lowly human can't [ejje.weblio.jp] accept his defeat gracefully". I'm not sure where "dignity" came from, but given the raw line, the above line is a bit odd as a translation.

ふん　人間風情が
負け惜しみを言いおって
Do you know what the "言いおって" means? Somehow I read it wrongly, before.
I'll have to think about it...

へっ　これ以上好みきにさせてたまるか
hehe, As if I could bear to allow you do as you wish, anymore.
"As if I'll allow". The "bear" part isn't necessary in translation.

好き勝手に暴れおって
(because of) your violent actions on your own accord.
"wreaking havoc as you please" or something, but not that line above.

バケモンどもめ
好き勝手に暴れおって
この借りは高くつくと
思え
You damn monsters,
you are in a big debt,
because you were wreaking havoc as you please.

You are rushing to your's doom.
Typo.

書いてあったろ
INTERNAL NOTE What does the ro stand for at the end?
Probably shortened from something like 書いてあっただろう.

よろいがモンスターに・変わった？
Did the ARMOR turn into a monster?
Not...um, that kind of question. More like just a statment as a question: "The ARMOR turned into a monster?"

ウにゃ
What, nya?
It could be partly 'un', but I think it's just a random(ish) sound.

Maybe it's a combination of ウ =*holds breath* and nya = *mew*
ウにゃ
unya
u=*holds breath* nya=*nya*

ワギャ
wagya
'fu'

このおおお……
you won't ....
INTERNAL NOTE a part of sentence "このおれ。。。”
"このおれ。。。”? No. Just drawn out, この~~~.

More later.

Thanks. I've applied all changes to the script file.

This post has been edited by piotr012: May 5 2012, 23:59

I see, I'll correct those bits. If you don't mind, I also corrected some grammar, although fairly minor. I had looked at the updated script, some SFXs made more sense in the older one though.

I discovered that I can actually use [ejje.weblio.jp] http://ejje.weblio.jp/ to usage examples of preposition in the sentence. Here are the sentences that were missing them. I used a different dictionary until now. This one has much more examples, than the one I used before. I

Page 30: ーーーー
まあそんなに・あわてるな
Oh, there is no need to panic.

では　ことの
なりゆきを
説明しよう
Well, then I'll explain the course of events.
/// wrong ","

そんなある日
ひとりの僧侶（そうりょ）が
陰の魔導書を見つけ　禁を犯したのだ。
One day, a monk found a book called "The Grimoire of the Yin" and he used it to break a taboo.
// "used it broke taboo" -> "used it to break a taboo"

Page 33:
ふむ　証拠と
いわれても
なあ......
Well, if you want a proof...

Page 36:
取りあえず
手掛かりは
その猫娘しか
ないのだ
Right now, this cat-girl is the only clue.


This post has been edited by piotr012: May 6 2012, 00:42

ふん　人間風情が
負け惜しみを言いおって
Do you know what the "言いおって" means? Somehow I read it wrongly, before.
I'll have to think about it...

[detail.chiebukuro.yahoo.co.jp] http://detail.chiebukuro.yahoo.co.jp/qa/qu...ail/q1432218244
It seems like 'otte' is from 'iru'. All the answers on that page are pretty good, pretty informative. Basically, it makes it contemptuous. At the very least, it's not something you say "nicely".

Maybe it's a combination of ウ =*holds breath* and nya = *mew*
ウにゃ
unya
u=*holds breath* nya=*nya*

Way too complicated; not pretty. If you think that, you should find some better way to express it (i.e., preferably compactly). I don't know for sure, but I just think it's one random sound, still.

[detail.chiebukuro.yahoo.co.jp] http://detail.chiebukuro.yahoo.co.jp/qa/qu...ail/q1432218244
It seems like 'otte' is from 'iru'. All the answers on that page are pretty good, pretty informative. Basically, it makes it contemptuous. At the very least, it's not something you say "nicely".
Way too complicated; not pretty. If you think that, you should find some better way to express it (i.e., preferably compactly). I don't know for sure, but I just think it's one random sound, still.

It may be better to just leave it as nya. At least until I figure out something better.

Thanks for the link, I'll read it.

Should I replace every occurrence of "nya" with English *mew* or something like that?

This post has been edited by piotr012: May 6 2012, 09:15

Excellent job proofreading, here's the new edited version:
https://e-hentai.org/g/488958/b93f504fb2/

Page 27:
ほう
シーメンを
知っていますか
Oh,you know Semen?

I checked in the dictionary. Oh is better translation for Hou


うむ　そうか
おい お前達　ここでは
落ち着いて話もできぬ
城まで来てもらおうか
Yes, I see.
Hey you guys,
I will have you taken to the castle so that we can talk in the peace.
(I added missing "the" before "peace")

Page 28
さあ娘　この男を
見殺しにしたくは
あるまい？
Come on, girl.
You don't want to witness the death of this man, right?
I used a wrong phrase here. I should be "come on", instead of "come now"



Page 32:
the page pf prophecy -> the page of the prophecy
(2 changes)


"the born in poverty, cursed cat-girl". -> "the born in the poverty, cursed cat-girl".


Hear me gods of good -> Hear me, gods of the light!
That is a much better translation.

This post has been edited by piotr012: May 6 2012, 10:08

029.jpg

You put all of "*sound of hitting head*" in there... That's what piotr said, okay, but it's bad - I cannot emphasize that enough (and yet I won't, besides this). For now, just put "hit". If piotr wants something else that sounds alright, then fine.

033.jpg

(2 mistakes) ..."in the Grimoire, on the page of prophecy, is written the only clue to the curse"...

Page 27:
Yes, I see.
Hey you guys,
I will have you taken to the castle so that we can talk in the peace.
(I added missing "the" before "peace")

[...]

Page 32:
the page pf prophecy -> the page of the prophecy
(2 changes)

"the born in poverty, cursed cat-girl". -> "the born in the poverty, cursed cat-girl".

No. These are not good grammar. They're fine as is, without adding "the".

The middle one, "the page of the prophecy" is actually alright grammar, but changes the meaning; but I don't think it's accurate to the raw line, so still no.

kjoif, if you've changed those before reading this, be sure to change them back.

This post has been edited by PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore: May 6 2012, 11:03

029.jpg

You put all of "*sound of hitting head*" in there... That's what piotr said, okay, but it's bad - I cannot emphasize that enough (and yet I won't, besides this). For now, just put "hit". If piotr wants something else that sounds alright, then fine.

Ok. Fixed.

Piotr, you should just go with the definition for sfx on [thejadednetwork.com] http://thejadednetwork.com, as you have linked to before.

kjoif, if you've changed those before reading this, be sure to change them back.

I didn't change those. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)