[X] My Assistant

Done with chapter 7. I was going to send it to Red after making a last double-check (and make any necessary changes after this feedback), but since I now have full script for both of chapters I'll just finish adding the sfx to the 2nd chapter and send the whole thing to him in one go.

And the credits for the volume, because I'll just post the entire collected volume - I think now we have all the parts and pieces (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

How about "pssh"? If I'm not mistaken, that sounds like dissipating air to me.

That'll work nicely for the picture.

Well, breasts can sometimes be referred as melons, and the weapon we see are spherical in nature so I guess it's a weak pun/reference?

Idk. And puns/double entendres very rarely make it through a literal translation. It's my job to do what I can (or make a tl note, if it's important enough) to get that across despite that, but when I don't even know where to start, or whether I need to...?

You mentioned that Akane speaks formally, straight-faced. But in few of your translations she spoke informally here - was that a mistake? I assumed they were and corrected them to formal tense.

Formal isn't strictly about contractions. I really don't know how to clearly classify a formal tone in English, but "I know it when I see it". IMO, those lines are pretty formal, or neutral at worst.

No one but a person of the highest upbringing speaks without any contractions (and even then I'm calling bullshit). If you take them out in some places, people sound like a machine. Akane may be an "emotionless puppet", but I didn't write her like a machine (and I didn't detect that in the raw, though now that I think about it I'm not sure I know what that would be like in Japanese).

Bit off-topic, but what's difference between the code and quote tag?

Well, for one, apparently code tags quote and quote tags don't. Also, this...

CODE

[b]bold![/b]

bold!

Edit:
I'm using it because previous people did. But also, for me, it differentiates the script from the rest of the post nicely without being a quote tag (and the script isn't really a quote...).

This post has been edited by PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore: Oct 29 2011, 23:01

That's what I get for making a feedback response, then re-editing it but then not submitting the revised form until much later while in middle of editing (because I realized that I'd forgotten to do the author notes at the end - and that was tediously slow process). (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/heh.gif)

Here's last of my comments/feedback request:

CODE

sfx: *zuzuzuzu*
(zuzuzuzu = He's here./In your face. (?)  (Again, this was previously motion/speed, which he's not doing much of here.  The only thing I can fit it to is "sudden appearance" (which is supposed to just be 'zu') or a sort of bluntness, in-your-face..."He's here".  Just in case, all this IS NOT meant as a tl note; I'm just trying to forestall certain questions.  If you want, you can just use the romaji.))
EDIT: "Looming" is a much better option, if you like.

I just went with "loom" rather than "looming" because it looked more like statement of action, rather than an action.


Regarding SFX for the last chapter:

CODE

146.jpg (147)
sfx: *zuba*
(zuba = zrap (I don't want zap because it doesn't seem to be electricity, but I can't think of much else good, so...a compromise, of sorts.))
[/quote]
Wouldn't that be fwoosh? That looked like flame breath to me.

[code]
153.jpg (154)--------------------------------------------------------

sfx: *baribari*
(bari = crackle)

sfx: *zuzuzu*
(zuzuzu = ?? (No clue, this is so unlike of its previous cases...Maybe, just maybe, it indicates her jumping around.))

What are other sounds associated with zuzuzu? Could they be explosions?

CODE

154.jpg (155)--------------------------------------------------------
sfx: *oooo*
(oo = shock/lament?)

Isn't it more like a cry of pain?

CODE

156.jpg (157)--------------------------------------------------------
Sexual organize formation!

Okay, not a SFX, but I just wanted to clarify if this is how it's translated? It feels off to me just a bit.

Wouldn't that be fwoosh? That looked like flame breath to me.

I think of it more like a laser (concentrated heat/fire beam, or something... o_O ). Plus, I already used 'fwoosh', and that attack was markedly different (not just the sfx) from this one. So I wanted something else.
Edit: Okay, maybe the image isn't all that different, but still, the sfx certainly is. 'go' is easily roaring flames, and 'zuba' is...well, clearly something else. I think he was a little angry, too, so I think of it as more powerful.

What are other sounds associated with zuzuzu? Could they be explosions?

Well, one for "zu" is drool/flowing liquid, or sip (NO). One's vigorous motion, surprise/shock, sudden appearance (again, maybe motion, in a very abstract way). One's sadness/depression (NO). One for "zuzu..." is sip, slide/slip/"the old in and out", or vigorous motion or rush again (again, maybe kinda motion). And one more is motion/rush, or figuratively, blunt/frank/impudent/rude.

Most importantly, though, how does "zu" sound anything like an explosion? Or at least better than any number of other sounds that are more commonly used for explosions? In short, I'm just at a loss.

Isn't it more like a cry of pain?

It's fairly open to interpretation. I think it's a vocalization, though, so maybe just use the transcription.

Okay, not a SFX, but I just wanted to clarify if this is how it's translated? It feels off to me just a bit.

Yeah, unfortunately that's pretty much what it says. And there's not a whole lot of room for interpretation since it's in Engrish and it's the only thing in the bubble, i.e., that's clearly what the author intended and there's no glaring grammatical errors to fix, even if it is very odd.

This post has been edited by PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore: Oct 30 2011, 01:15

So, with all the chapters almost ready to be put into one big gallery for the volume, does anyone want to fix any problems in the current chapters? I've made a note of some things that could use fixing in the edited versions of ch1-6 so far. Also, I think it would be good to have some consistency for certain parts, like "Pierce casts X" or the opening and closing lines (Adventure begins/start, Save (game)), so that's part of what I've noted as well.

It's a fair amount, about 1/3 of the pages (30-some) where I've got suggestions, but they're also mostly one or two places per page (although changing some may require more work than others, for all I know). Maybe someone would be more willing to do it if I made a bounty? And if I did, would anyone else contribute some credits/hath to that?

Hmmm, I just uploaded the gallery at https://e-hentai.org/g/427734/7a4b49391d/

But I am totally fine releasing a fixed version, and I'd chip in for the editing bounty (I assume, People, you already have the correction ready for editing?). Just post them here...

I'd help with editing bounty too, of course.

Er... I noticed on the credits page you called this Dragon Knight instead of Dragon Pink. You might want to change that.

Okay. I'm going to make this post, put up a bounty (done: bounty link), and then see how the last two chapters came out. I'll edit this post with anything for the last two chapters, too.

The first one's probably for you, Red. The alt page is entirely redundant, adds nothing, and IMO shouldn't be included in the gallery. Also, someone switched the order of all the double pages, including their filenames, and if it wasn't you, Red, you're the one who can fix it. It may look good in the gallery "backwards", but that's only because the gallery is displaying them backwards in the first place.

I've basically reproduced part of the lines, and anything between asterisks is the part that got changed. If that's the whole line, I noted the original in parentheses after it. And, of course, anything in parentheses is generally an FYI sort of note.

Pierce's spell casting dialog box could be interpreted a bit more "fantastically", but we'll just call it good with "Pierce cast the spell "X"".

I can be flexible, so if you've got a question/criticism/second opinion, I'm all ears.

CODE

Episode 1---------------------------------------

==006.jpg, 006V2.jpg

...There's two versions of the same page in the same gallery.  This should not be.

==007.jpg

(Consistency, and make it more like a menu option.)
*Begin adventure*

come *to* my aid

*this isn't* much

but please take *it*

==008.jpg

*Damn*, this is all

text right of Pierce: Hmph

Pink-chan, come *here* for a sec

==009.jpg

Hehehe, *score*

*Idiot!*

Give me my *clothes* back!

*Uga* (not 'Agreed')

==010.jpg

bottom-rightmost panel, kanji: Rope

*thump* (not 'throb'; you used thump before, even, there's no reason for it to change)

==011.jpg

as your *clothes* from now on

==014.jpg

Kyaa~, *how cute*.

==015.jpg

*bin* (not 'pin', both times)

*pito* (not 'boin')

==016.jpg

*wet* (instead of 'slimy', because who wants slimy?)

==017.jpg

*squirt* (NOT 'swallow', for all three)

==020.jpg

*I'm coming* (not 'ikuu')

==021.jpg

'heeee' and 'ikuu' got switched.

(Also...)
*I'm coming* (NOT 'ikuu')

==023.jpg

sfx by Bobo: *furafura* (furafura = dizzy)
sfx by Santa: *fura* (fura = unsteady)

sfx across both: *geso~~* (geso = gaunt)

*Idiot~* (NOT 'baaka')

(Consistency, and make it more like a menu option.)
*Save game*

(Consistency (and IMO 'end' is better than 'over')...)
Dragon Pink I/*End*

Episode 2---------------------------------------

==025.jpg

(Consistency...)
*adventure* (instead of 'start')

==026.jpg

(Consistency...)
*Begin* (instead of 'The adventure')

*Uga* (not 'Agreed')

==029.jpg

PIERCE
Pierce *cast the spell "Fire"*

==033.jpg

unedited bubble: Ahi

==037.jpg

(This wasn't the script...)
*No!* (not 'Iyah!')

(And take 'No!' out of the later bubble.  That's the script.)

unedited bubble: Ahi

==039.jpg

(Consistency...)
*Save game*

Episode 3---------------------------------------

==041.jpg

Which adventure *will* you *choose*?

(Consistency...)
*Begin adventure*

==044.jpg

lay their hands *on my possessions*!

==045.jpg

*Uga* (not 'Agreed')

==047.jpg

wet instead of slimy?

==048.jpg

wet instead of slimy?

==052.jpg

(In the interests of consistency...)
PIERCE
*Pierce cast the spell "Embryo".*

==054.jpg

Kyaa, *how cute*. <3

==055.jpg

The cursed music *begins to play*.

(Consistency...)
*Save game*

(Consistency...)
Dragon Pink III/*End*

Episode 4---------------------------------------

==058.jpg

(Consistency...)
*Begin adventure*

==059.jpg

(Consistency with ch6; plus, you're guessing)
*Saibas* (not "Lightning bolt")

==060.jpg

we should be able to spot *Talamu*

==061.jpg

We'll stay at *Talamu* for the night

==064.jpg

further west of the village of *Talamu*

==065.jpg

The parenthesized subtitle at the bottom of the page is, as is, redundant.  It could also be "Love Hotel" or "Traditional Hotel" Talamu, but motel has something of the love hotel connotations itself, so it's probably purely meant for Japanese readers who don't understand "Motel Talamu Inn".

==068.jpg

*heh* (NOT blush)

==070.jpg

A bit of *catnip extract*
(Not 'X', and matatabi is equivalent to catnip (though not quite the same thing).)

==071.jpg

Fumi~ fumi~, purr purr
(Goro is the sound of a cat purring.)

==072.jpg

lick *farther* down

==073.jpg

Now slowly drop your *hips*

==078.jpg

So *don't* you worry about it

(Consistency...)
*Save game*

(Consistency...)
Dragon Pink IV/*End*

Episode 5---------------------------------------

==081.jpg

(Consistency...)
*Begin adventure*

Episode 6---------------------------------------

==119.jpg

(Consistency...)
*Save game*

Damage Fight 1--------------------------------

==121.jpg (122.jpg if you've got the raw)

What's supposed to be at the bottom-right of the title is "Part 1", not "damage fight".
(This will also mean the double pages need to be replaced.)

Damage Fight 2--------------------------------

==142.jpg (141.jpg if you've got the raw)

What's supposed to be at the bottom-right of the title is "Part 2", not "damage fight".
(This will also mean the double pages need to be replaced.)

==144.jpg

Use Blade Thunder *on it at* close range!

==150.jpg

(Yeah, this one just looks too weird to leave alone...this is the correct dialogue.)
*Let's* come back alive!

*Yes* (instead of 'I will')

==154.jpg

(I almost forgot about this one...he was an author in Comic Penguin Club, where Dragon Pink was published, so it's probably referring to him somehow.)
*Hiryuu-san*, I'm sorry!

==159.jpg

Ouch...*looks like we made it!* (not "I always thought...")

==162.jpg

(Dammit...sometimes I have problems with left and right =/ (probably has something to do with me reading too much Japanese, yet still being a native English reader first and foremost).)
The "The higher pictures..." paragraph and the "Pierce's image..." paragraph need to be switched.  My bad.

This post has been edited by PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore: Oct 31 2011, 00:01

Well, for being partly responsible since I was the editor for those chapters, I'll correct them (plus I could use the hath).

Hmm. Well, this volume had two editors - Super Shanko was editor for first 5 chapters while I was editor for the last 3. We don't have each other's PSD works. Sp I'll fix the mistakes on my part and send them to SS so he can package them to Red once he's done on his part.

EDIT: ...and done. To be honest, I was struggling over the right & left Pierce comments. I wasn't sure which side one should've gone with. And I feel silly for not realizing my mistake with using "dragon fight" instead of "part 1/2" - especially when I already had used the correct ones for the ToC. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/happy.gif);

Er... I noticed on the credits page you called this Dragon Knight instead of Dragon Pink. You might want to change that.

*facepalms* My mistake... here's the fixed credits page.

[Removed]

This post has been edited by lightshader: Nov 1 2011, 00:04

Which alt page? If you mean the ones at the very beginning, I do think that giving the reader two options is good. I can remove it, if people feel strongly about it...

Also, I asked about switching order a while back, and nobody objected. I think it helps with the order, although since LS did the double pages, it is no longer necessary. I still like the pages which look better in the correct order, but I can change them back if others think it would be preferable (I don't see why it would be, though).

This post has been edited by Red_Piotrus: Oct 31 2011, 04:57

I corrected all of those random People mentioned. As for that double page, I think it's just best to leave the one with the full words on it.

Mainly because all the random people that haven't visited this thread, and those who'll end up seeing DP on some misc. site won't understand why there's two.

Also, I asked about switching order a while back, and nobody objected. I think it helps with the order, although since LS did the double pages, it is no longer necessary. I still like the pages which look better in the correct order, but I can change them back if others think it would be preferable (I don't see why it would be, though).

Oh? I read the whole thread and I didn't remember you asking that...but whatever, that's completely irrelevant.

I don't know what you mean by "it helps with the order". IMO, when you're reading a Japanese-style book, you're reading right-to-left, so if you read the double page starting from the right, and then all of a sudden you see the singe left page next, followed by the right page (especially if there's text on one or both), there's a distinct "wtf?" moment. There was for me when I was checking the edited pages.

That's my opinion. A strong one I guess (i.e., one that won't change). But I don't expect to be looking at the edited version all that much, hereafter, so I can live with things as they are if necessary.

This post has been edited by PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore: Oct 31 2011, 13:43

Oh? I read the whole thread and I didn't remember you asking that...but whatever, that's completely irrelevant.

I don't know what you mean by "it helps with the order". IMO, when you're reading a Japanese-style book, you're reading right-to-left, so if you read the double page starting from the right, and then all of a sudden you see the singe left page next, followed by the right page (especially if there's text on one or both), there's a distinct "wtf?" moment. There was for me when I was checking the edited pages.

That's my opinion. A strong one I guess (i.e., one that won't change). But I don't expect to be looking at the edited version all that much, hereafter, so I can live with things as they are if necessary.

I mentioned it here: link

My justification is that translation, including localization, also affects page layout. If you are reading Japanese, you are used to starting from the right, and we are of course not mirroring the pages, but nonethless when it comes to double pages, I think they just look better reversed.

Would anybody else want to comment on that before I upload the new version? Currently we are tied (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

I vote to only put the double-page spreads and take out the single-page alternates. If you must leave them in, I agree with PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore that you shouldn't reverse the order. For example, for pages 104-105, you have the Slave Knights reacting before Bobo's shout and slash, which is just weird.

I vote to only put the double-page spreads and take out the single-page alternates. If you must leave them in, I agree with PeopleDon'tDanceNoMore that you shouldn't reverse the order. For example, for pages 104-105, you have the Slave Knights reacting before Bobo's shout and slash, which is just weird.

Agreed. May not be such a big deal if there's no dialogue on either side of the double page or it's just one huge spread. But when there's dialogue on both pages, the flow gets messed up since it's still supposed to be read from right to left.

All right. With the new double pages, we can restore the original order. I'll fix it within a day (away from primary comp for a few).

Replace the credits page I posted earlier with this one, as I made some changes.



This post has been edited by lightshader: Nov 1 2011, 00:09

Fixed V1 uploaded: https://e-hentai.org/g/428413/374a1875e4/