[X] My Assistant

Most of the time, it's not the same meaning, and I'm pretty sure I'm closer to the original (or I wouldn't have translated it this way).

Neither am I, so I may be wrong on some points.

Not much of a difference (except that I think the way I worded it is much more natural), but to be troubled and to be melancholy are two different things. I'd define melancholy as light sadness, sometimes coupled with some kind of bitter happiness and associated to remembrance of past events. It doesn't fit here. She may look troubled, fatigued, annoyed, exhausted, but probably not melancholy. I don't see how 悩んでる can be translated as melancholy.

The first part of the sentence is just rephrased with more natural wording, but the second part is really different. She doesn't say she daydreams, she just clearly says the state their relationship is in (which is that, since she can't even speak in front of her, she's a complete stranger to the librarian and that even though she loved her, they're not dating).

If it can help, 月並み means cliché.

It's pretty much the same (mine is closer to the Japanese because she doesn't say something like 放課後 for "after class", but 授業以外 so "when not in class").

Okay, her first sentence ends with かな, which hints that she's wondering something, not rhetorically stating that she doesn't have a chance (which is how you translated it). Then, I think you misread なんで instead of なんて: she's not asking why, adding なんて behind a sentence is a way of saying something like "I may have said it, but it was actually a joke, I didn't really think what I just said."

I see you have plenty of experience in doing this.
And I really appreciate your comments.
I have a favor to ask, if it's not too much.
Do you happen to have some scripts that with both original and translated ones?
Practice makes perfect, and I think I should read more.
Thanks again.

Shanko asked me to re-edit this script, since localizing is sort of my specialty. But he hasn't replied to my PM so I'm just going to post it here. Maybe it's too far off the mark or something?

P1
The librarian lady is looking through the window.
She's always smoking and drinking coffee
while organizing books.
Her face occasionally has a melancholy expression.
Only in front of her am I so speechless, I must stop daydreaming.
She's an average woman, but I still want her.
In the library after class, I always peep at her.
Why can't I take a chance, why?

P2
I can't say I'm not frustrated.
I can see her underwear.
Is that a vibrator?

P3
She must have it in her today.
The shape is clearly visible.
I bet it feels great while wriggling her waist.
I don't understand how she can be as calm as ever.
There aren't many people who come to library around this time, but if someone found out...

P4
Excuse me, Miss Mayama?
She knows my name?
Upon closer look, there's no bra!
She's not wearing a bra and has a vibrator inside her while at school.
She's so close to me that I'm too nervous to say anything.

P5
So, would you like to check-out?
Please sign the card.
[Wow, she's so beautiful.]
Miss Mayama?
What's wrong? Why do you look so distracted?
Are you okay?
[Thick.. glossy lips]
Shit!
Feeling any discomfort? Are you sure you're alright?

P6
Miss Mayama, are you not feeling well?
No, this is the...
Hehe, feeling agitated down there?
Arhh, Miss Librarian.
Does it hurt?
I'll examine it in another room.
Are you always watching my pussy?
Then, here,
It's okay, you're welcome to look.

P7
So you noticed my vibrator?
Good thing you're already hard so I don't have to wait.
Why's it so hard, because you haven't done anything?
I think we're going to be good friends.
Hehe, it's lovely.
Your dick is comparatively lovely.
Do you want me to be friends with your dick too?
There's been no action for me recently...
Now my heart is pounding.
Her tongue wrapped around my dick.

P8
Then, she started sucking it.
[Although she's always had a cold expression]
[Now she's loving my dick...
And looks so damn sluty.]

P9
Fellatio, the feeling of heaven.
How is it?
I'm, I'm cuming
It's okay, honor me with your cum.

P10
Arhh, cuminggg.
Ahh, all sucked up.
You held it in well.
Your juice is sticky and taste delicious.
She swallowed it?

P11
Miss Mayama, look here.
It's been in there since I got to work,
Even when I was in front of you, I came a little.
What? You mean it doesn't bother you?
Nope.
Do you keep it in all the time?
That's right.
So, you want it taken out?
Here, take a closer look.
I like being teased.
Okay.
It's moving so much.

P12
You're squirting.
So, Miss Mayama...

P13
All that intensity has me feeling really good and I'm about to cum.
As I gradually cum,
lick it up nice and clean.
Yeah, that's the spot.
I need more
My pussy is desperate
Lick it hard please
I know what you're feeling
You want to be inside me right?
Yes, very much indeed.
I came with a toy already
But it was hardly good enough compared to the flesh of a cock I crave.

P14
Perhaps,
I'll use your flesh then, let's do it.
How about it? Wanna do it?
Use my dick?
Right now?
The moment I said about dick
You got so hard.
It's quite honest you know.
It goes in.
Then comes out slimy.
And gets sucked right back in.
Now, go as deep as you can please.
Let it stir up my pussy and give it a good slam too.

P15
From below.
In and out, non-stop stirring.
Young people are so intense at fucking.
This dick feels amazing.
It's pouring in of me.
Arh, sorry.

P16
Sorry, I came so much inside of you.
It's so thick, what if you get pregnant?
What are we going to do?
[Recalling the moment...]
Just relax.
I feel so good from your greedy poking.
It's been a while since I've had that kind of juice in me.
I can feel the joy all over my body.
I tried remembering the feeling of that moment, and it came back to me.
I want another round.
I want to taste your dick one more time.
Would you kindly let me, please?

P17
It's not enough.
I still want the taste
of your dick so much.
My pussy is full,
Go deeper, all the way to my uterus.
That deep,
if I cum that deep,
you'll get pregnant.
I just came, and I'm going to cum again.
You want to fuck and get your dick squeezed.

P18
Deeper, deeper
[She's so happy to have more juice in her
even though she might get pregnant.
Why is she so intoxicated?
She's just a horny and desperate whore I guess.
Why does it feel so good?
This body!]
I..want to cum too.
I wanna cum.
I'm Cuming..

P19
It's flowing inside, I can feel cum inside of me.
It's been completely blown out.

P20
Sorry for how I light my cigarette so unconsciously.
It's a bad habit.
Ah, this looks.
You want to look at my pussy?
[the glittering lips]

I tried to make sense of it but frankly there just wasn't enough to go by. There were many lines I couldn't match up the with the bubbles so it was difficult to tell who was talking.

Sorry for not replying (nice sig btw). As it looks now, I like it (more clear).

As I said earlier in this thread, the translation is pretty far from the original meaning. Localizing it didn't make it better (except for the wording, of course). There are some parts where the translation were wrong (I only looked at the first page, but I think that it's enough). I don't think anything positive will come out of this unless we get another translation. I'd do it, but I'm way too busy IRL right now to translate.

This post has been edited by KirbyDances: Nov 18 2012, 01:08

As I said earlier in this thread, the translation is pretty far from the original meaning. Localizing it didn't make it better (except for the wording, of course). There are some parts where the translation was wrong (I only looked at the first page, but I think that it's enough). I don't think anything positive will come out of this unless we get another translation. I'd do it, but I'm way too busy IRL right now to translate.

Yea, I knew it wouldn't be up to par, and I didn't want to keep patching a lemon. If you do find the time in the future that'll be great too.

Marien, if you want you can have the script, I'd just like to ask for the cleaned up version of the pages.

Yea, I knew it wouldn't be up to par, and I didn't want to keep patching a lemon. If you do find the time in the future that'll be great too.

Marien, if you want you can have the script, I'd just like to ask for the cleaned up version of the pages.

Nah I'm good. That script is too 'off' for me and I don't know how I would work it into the pages when the bubbles don't match up.