[X] My Assistant

There comes a time in every man's life when he feels that he surrounded by foes. Filled with despair, the man searches deep within himself for a solution, asking his childhood self, "Franco, what would you do if you were me?"

The answer comes as simple as a babe dropped on its head repeatedly by a negligent mother more concerned with getting her bone on than the whelp she spawned from 'tween her legs.

"Gee, mister, I'd make a pillow fort!"

Oh course! The answer to all of life's problems. A fort made of pillows, which bounces off all attacks. Also you can take a pillow out when you need to go potty or when mom calls you to eat your dinner. Which includes your greens but you put up with it because that's the only way you're getting ice cream.

I guess the point is that I want my own thread, and I want more pillows on my bed.

This post has been edited by BlorgAlmighty: Jan 17 2014, 13:58

I wanna be on your bed.

The tragic thing is that I once used to have enough pillows to make a pillow barricade on my bed, when I was young. Now I only have two pillows. :/

I expect derisive commentary on James Franco and his abject terribility.

I expect derisive commentary on James Franco and his abject terribility.

I still remember, to this day, watching my grandfather put down an injured horse on the fields of his barn in North Dakota. The horse had stumbled over a small hole, breaking its leg in the process, and the wagon it had been pulling had fallen over it, crushing its ribs. The creature wheezed with every breath it took, clinging onto life with a desperation that moved my young heart. I begged my grandfather to let it live, to nurse it to health, to make it better, just like in those movies.

Grandfather knelt, and with a hand on my shoulder, explained gently that all living things had to meet their end someday, and that to allow the horse to live would only bring about more pain for the horse itself. The humane thing, he said, before he brought the hammer down onto the beast's head, splattering the both of us with brain matter, crushed bone and blood, was to let it go. It was a harsh lesson, one that shook my younger self to the core, and it would be a while before I was able to understand what it was that grandfather had been trying to teach me.

As I avert my eyes from the eldritch box office bomb that is Your Highness, I believe it is time for me to make a trip to the family grave to thank him for the advice he gave me.

James Franco continues his rampant rape of big theater in his role of Fabious, driving the barbed dildo of terribleness up the arse of cinema with his rage-inducing acting, the viewing of which is comparable to having one's eyes ripped out of their sockets and then having penises thrust into them repeatedly. Fighting off the urge to bring and end to my own life while watching was a chore, and I had to throw away my bag of popcorn before I attempted to slit my own wrists with the buttery edges.

Watching James Franco act is much like watching a disfigured and malformed toddler attempt to crawl across the floor; a part of you wants to turn away in abject disgust, whereas another part of you wants to scream, to weep, to dash its head onto the pavement by throwing it from your second story window. Your stomach turns, your body convulses wildly and you lose faith in a just and loving God, for only a cruel and insane monster could even think about bringing forth such a thing to this world.

I remember the look on my grandfather's face when the dead corpse of the horse kicked him with a postmortem twitch of its legs, and his screams of anguish as he fell into the wood chipper behind him.

And as I straggle limply towards the exit of the cinema, I can only whisper to myself, "It should have been you, James Franco. It should have been you."

*chills with Blorg*

I'd offer you a beer but you don't drink as far as I can tell.

Also beer tastes nasty so I don't have any in stock.

So have a Nestea.

I CAME!!!!!

Best. movie. review. ever.

I have four pillows to enjoy, but one is ripped and the feathers are getting everywhere. Also, my bed is small and uncomfortable.

I kinda figure the pillow fort thing works best on a small or medium sized bed against a wall. That way two sides of the fort are already accounted for; you just need to take care of the other two. Any spare pillows can protect attacks from above.

:3

POP POP!

[www.instantmagnitude.com] POP POP!

Words.

You are wonderful.

Many nights, I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling as I wonder if I should have called my thread "Chillaxing with Blorg".

You're outta talc.

I kinda figure the pillow fort thing works best on a small or medium sized bed against a wall. That way two sides of the fort are already accounted for; you just need to take care of the other two. Any spare pillows can protect attacks from above.

:3

Mine's also a bunk.

This thread puts to shame any of the shitty threads I've made here or may continue to make here. I am filled with envy and gastrointestinal discomfort I'll assume is only partially unrelated, due to my poor diet of microwaved Eggo waffles with corn slathered in Frank's Red Hot. May I perhaps chillax with Blorg?

10/10 would read again

[m.youtube.com] Has anyone in this forum ever even seen a chicken?

This thread puts to shame any of the shitty threads I've made here or may continue to make here. I am filled with envy and gastrointestinal discomfort I'll assume is only partially unrelated, due to my poor diet of microwaved Eggo waffles with corn slathered in Frank's Red Hot. May I perhaps chillax with Blorg?

Anyone may chillax with the Blorg.

No, wait, scratch the "the". That seems pretentious.