[X] My Assistant

Over the last several months, I have kept a running journal (as a method of self-help) of everything that I have gone through following my dismissal from the Enforcers (the volunteer wing of Penny Arcade, Inc. and the organization responsible for staffing the Penny Arcade Expo, the largest consumer gaming convention in North America). My dismissal, was dubious at best and political and unjustifiable at worst. Nothing has been easy or simple following my dismissal and I have had a very difficult time coping with the loss of a community to which I was strongly and deeply connected with.

I have decided to post my entire recounting of this ordeal here, so as to gain the opinions of the unbiased and indifferent.

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Dated 7/22/2011

I have been putting this off for quite some time. I was hoping to have had this resolved a long time ago but this has unfortunately been dragged out for much longer than it should have. I have resisted addressing something that is arguably of a sensitive nature, in such a public forum (public as it relates to the manner in which this blog is read, and how this story has been told thus far). However, I feel that there is much misinformation floating about, much rumor and hearsay about a situation that took place at PAX East this past March. This situation lead to the revocation of my Enforcer badge and my subsequent removal from the convention center.

In the interest of appropriation and proper context, I shall start from the beginning to finally and fully address this matter so that there can be no more confusion. This will also ensure that my voice, something that has not been heard in nearly five months, will finally be heard. It is my genuine belief that if the truth is known, the truth as I understand it (and there are many parts of this situation that I sadly do not understand) then it will go some distance in repairing the damage done to my reputation. Not that I haven't experienced such instances before, where in my reputation as both an Enforcer and as an individual person have been the subject of belittlement, disdain, abuse, rumor and slander. I had grown used to them in some respect. In the four years since I had joined the Enforcers at the young age of eighteen, I grew familiar with the taste of "humble pie"; I learned the hard way that I had a great deal of growing and maturing to do were I to last in the Enforcer community. That is one of the reasons why I would work so hard at a given PAX; to show those who had a measure of dislike for me that I was better than the unruly eighteen year old they no doubt regarded me as. I had always worked with a since a pride and considered it an honor and a privilege to be a part of something large than myself. To be able to point with absolute certainty to something so huge and say “I’m a part of that!” was immensely gratifying and humbling all at once. With every PAX, I sought to disprove the notions of immaturity, or whatever other epithet that might be used to defame me. I always held the aspects of myself at PAX and everything else (which existed outside of PAX) as mutually exclusive, one does not affect the other irregardless of what others may say or think. I would not allow the thoughts and opinions of others to affect me from giving one hundred percent of my effort at PAX; to show the powers that be that I am something special, that I am more than just what they hear. Indeed, I am far more than the gossip and rumors they hear.

On to the Truth.

Back in February of this year, I was approached by a non-enforcer friend to write a short story for her local, self-run college magazine which was doing a special "Seven Deadly Sins" issue. I was given free rein to write about anything I wanted provided that it could be categorized under one of the sins. Choosing not to go the easy route which was to write piece of erotic fiction, label it "lust" and call it a day, I opted to try and stretch myself creatively and instead wrote a piece for the sin of "Wrath". The writing went well until I reached a point about half-way through in which I became unsure of the direction to continue the story. In a spur of the moment action, I put the then uncompleted story up for a brief peer-review on the Enforcer IRC channel. While I admit that this was likely a mistake, I needed feedback right away and it was my only available option at the time. One enforcer happily gave me the feedback I was looking for, while another chose to chastise me for the subject matter and spew petty insults at me. Disregarding the latter enforcer's comments, I returned to my writing and completed it much to my satisfaction without further incident. I sent it off to my friend and that was that. Or so it seemed. Now, how this relates to what happened in Boston is quite interesting as it really has almost nothing to do with it. However, had I not posted the story on the IRC channel (or rather, made it accessible to the channel), I would likely have not "concerned" some poor soul who seemed to take exception to my writing and they would not have alerted the powers that be; and I, in turn, would not have been contacted by Penny Arcade Volunteer Coordinator, Kristin Lindsey in regards to it. I was informed of concerns that had been raised regarding the story that, on top of an alleged laundry list of previous concerns, it was decided that it would be in my best interests that I "take a break" from enforcing and that my enforcer badge would be exchanged for a 3-day badge, thus allowing me to attend PAX East "without any extra stress", a concept I thought preposterous as Enforcing the event was the entire reason I was flying out to Boston in the first place.

Thankfully, as I was able to convey to Kristin over the course of several emails, the whole incident was a gross misunderstanding and we were able to come to terms on the matter. She restored my Enforcer badge and promised to meet with me in person in Boston so that we might continue what we had agreed would be open and clear communication to "help avert any misunderstandings down the road." And indeed, once in Boston, we had such a meeting and it was an exceptionally constructive meeting at that; I was told many things that I had long wanted to hear. That my contributions to the community were indeed counted and that my hard work was recognized by the higher ups and that they knew I was responsible and hard working and everything else that I had gone to great lengths to demonstrate in the last four years. Upon its conclusion, Kristin and I once again agreed to keep communication open and walking out of that meeting, I felt more confident with my place in the community than ever before; after four years, all the pieces were finally falling into place. I knew what my circle of friends was and had finally started to come unto my own as both an Enforcer and as a person, And I had just received the validation I had always wanted; PA knew I was a hard worker and were willing to recognize my contributions publicly if I did well and continued to work hard and prove myself at PAX East. And I was doing just that all weekend. Until Saturday night. Saturday night, something happened that should not have happened. And it placed me in the predicament that I find myself in even now, five months later. Before I explain exactly what happened, one last piece of background is required.

At PAX East 2010, I worked Manticore Theater. It is there that I met a female enforcer who worked third shift. Her name was Gwyn. She was the archetypal "cute gamer chick"; the one everyone wants but no one ever gets. She was smart, funny, pretty and laughed at my jokes. What more could a geek want? We worked Manticore's wang shift together (mostly because I tended to work every shift anyways, a concept Gwyn couldn't quite understand) and when the weekend had come to an end, we exchanged contact information with the intent chatting again at a later date and merrily went our separate ways just as no doubt many other enforcers did who worked together that weekend. Gwyn and I would spend much of the following year chatting back and forth, on IM, on Skype, on the phone; we could trade stories and insights about ourselves and get to know each other pretty well. I liked her and she liked me. There was no thought of a relationship of any kind however as such was far too impractical; She lived on the east coast and I lived on the west coast; she was focused on her graduate degree in teaching (something I looked up to her for as planed to do very much the same), neither of us were in a position to move and neither of us truly had the intention to do so if we did. I would of course be lying to myself If I said I wouldn't have liked to be in a relationship with Gwyn had the stars aligned; who wouldn't? We had essentially been flirting on and off in an entirely non-committal way for the year we talked to each other. And it is no crime to be attracted to the opposite sex nor is it to have common interests with a person of said sex. It was simply a nice friendship, and one that I cherished as much as any other friendship. When I first received emails from Kristin in regards to my short story, Gwyn was one of the few people I trusted to tell the tale to. I trusted her and she kept that trust.

Or so I thought.

On the night of Saturday March 12th, I was at PAX East in Boston, finishing up the end of a very long day's work. I'd been up since 7:30 that morning, I'd barely slept the night before despite my best efforts and through all the hustle and bustle and comings and goings of the convention, I had somehow not taken the time to eat a real, solid meal that entire day; Not breakfast, not lunch, not dinner. I'd had snacks of course; I made the long jaunt back over to Enforcerland to get supplies for my hungry co-workers multiple times over the course of my day to keep everyone else's energy and spirits up. Our last panel for the night was Scott & Kris's Late Night Panel with Kris and Scott (actual title) and it was full up; not a seat left in the theater to be had. The panel got underway and I left after about an hour as there was little more for me to do once it had gotten started. I returned to Enforcerland for what seemed like the umpteenth time that day to get off my feet and relax as I was absolutely spent; it was nearly midnight on a Saturday night and any Enforcer reading this worth their salt knows exactly what that feels like: everything hurts. You're tired, you're hungry and you want nothing more than to have a large filling meal, a few pints a beer and maybe ten or twelve hours of good, solid sleep. And that was the more general plan for me, until Gwyn walked in after her shift. We each said hello and traded pleasantries. Gwyn was heading home for the night and seeing as I didn't have anything better to do, I offered to walk her out.

We continued to chat as we walked down the very lengthily hallway from Enforcerland to Main Theater where Gwyn had intended to make her goodbyes to her other friends for the evening. We said our goodbyes to each other, shared a big hug and began to go our separate ways for the night. It is here where everything began to come undone. We should have continued to go our separate ways but we didn't; I lingered. Gwyn asked me if something was wrong. In my intense hunger and exhaustion, along with what I can only imagine was a faint lingering attachment to the notion of her and I together, I let go of my better judgment for a moment and said I felt like I was going to do something stupid. When she asked me what I meant, I said I felt like I wanted to kiss her. She apologized, implying that that was something she wasn't going to do. I of course brushed off her apology and insisted that it was not her fault; she had made it clear to me after getting out of a previous relationship two months prior that she was not interested in starting another one. And who am I to question that? We'd already established that any such relationship simply wouldn't work, and I certainly wasn't going to force the issue if it meant losing a close friend.

We said our goodbyes one more time and we finally went our separate ways for the night. I was almost back to Enforcerland when I was stopped by the satellite feeds of the Saturday night concerts. Paul and Storm were playing and, on a whim, I opted to return to main theater and enjoy their set. When I got there, I took a casual space along a back wall, enjoying myself from a distance. It was at this moment when another enforcer, whom I recognized as I'd worked with him may times from earlier in the day but could not remember his name. He came and told me that someone had "just tried to kiss Jules". At first I was confused as the only Jules I knew of was my friend Jules Ius who was married for one and for two wasn't even at PAX East this year. Then I realized that he was talking about Jularmin, which was Gwyn's enforcer name (it was not a name I called her by so I did not recognize it right away). This other enforcer goes on to describe to me that someone had tried to do this not moments ago and that Gwyn had told him as much. I knew then he was talking about me, but he did not know it, nor did I have any intention to do so. This enforcer took this as though it were some grievous offence to her personal honor and was quite angry that such a thing could even happen. And yet he patted me, the apparent source of his rage, on the shoulder and stated happily that Paul and Storm were awesome and without another word headed off towards the front of the theater to watch the rest of the set.

I was left alone at the back of the theater, my thoughts spinning wildly out of control. I didn't know what to do or say. What did he really know? How much did Gwyn tell him? Who else did Gwyn tell and how many other people knew? What if they told others as that first enforcer had told me? What if someone asked her about it, someone with authority? All of these were unknowns, and all of them frightened me terribly. I went back downstairs to where Gwyn and I had just stood and sat on a nearby bench, trying to focus on what was most important. I had been subject to the Rumor Mill of gossip that internally the Enforcers had become notorious for many, many times in the four years I'd been an Enforcer. And I had absolutely no intent to be fed back into it, ground up and spat out after everyone else was done with me. But I didn't know what to do, what the right course of action was; and there were too many unknown variables to do nothing. I pulled out my phone and began texting Gwyn. I apologized to her for anything that I'd said, if it seemed out of line or if it offended her and that it wasn't my intent. I told her what had happened to me with the other enforcer and that I wanted to know what she'd said to him and if she'd said anything to anyone else. She began texting me back saying that she was worried for me, that I seemed upset and that I wasn't acting normal.

Of course I wasn't acting normal! I'd been up for sixteen plus hours, I hadn't eaten anything since the previous day, and now I'd come to find that the contents of a private conversation between myself and a close, trusted friend, had suddenly been made public in some form or another and I really, really needed her to give me a straight answer. Yet in the in the midst of all of this panic and fear and frustration, I had an epiphany: I was overreacting. I was reacting to a situation and trying to solve a problem that didn't exist. I had clearly just let the long day and my gung-ho enforcer tendencies get the better of me; that had to be what was happening. I said as much to Gwyn and told her that I was going to go back to enforcerland, get some food then go back to my hotel and crash for the night. She encouraged me to do the same and told me that I would feel much better in the morning. I went back to enforcerland, grabbed a few granola bars then went to Manticore Theater where the rest of my stuff was where I remained for the next hour and a half. My belongings were kept behind the large theater screen with everyone else and to collect them would disrupt the Scott & Kris panel which was still going on. When it finally ended and all the attendees had been ushered out, I got my stuff and finally went back to my hotel. By this time, it was nearly three in the morning.

The next morning I attempted to drag myself out of bed at my usual time of 7:30 and when I viewed myself in the mirror, I decided that wasn't happening and went back to bed for a few more hours. When I finally left at around 10:30, I was more coherent or at least coherent enough to make the mile walk from my hotel to the convention center. I unpacked my things in enforcerland and walked over to Manticore Theater to check in. Our first panel had been canceled that morning so I headed down to info booth for spareboard to find something to do (note, I still haven't eaten at this point). Along the way I saw Gwyn who was working mornings at Wyvern Theater just down the hall; I thought about talking to her but I let the thought go and opted to do it later. When I arrived at spareboard, sat and waited, quietly nodding off under my eyes as I did while keeping one ear out for any work that might come my way. I didn't sit long before something finally did come my way, only it wasn't work.

It was Kristin.

She asked to speak with me in private and we walked away and out of earshot from info booth. She then asked me if I had anything to say about what happened the previous night with Jules, again, throwing me off slightly but this time more due to my still lingering exhaustion. Not knowing what she knew, or knowing much of anything and with nothing else to do, I said that I'd made a brief lapse in judgment (which was technically true) and would own up to whatever fault was mine to own up to. Kristin had told me that what I did (without actually telling me what I'd done) was not appropriate and that "safety concerns" had been raised by "other enforcers" and that she was going to pull my badge. I cannot even begin to describe to you what I went through in that moment. If I'd thought that Saturday night was a whirlwind of confusion, this was something else entirely. I was angry, scared, heartbroken, trying my hardest not to cry or lose control of my emotions in front of someone I respected so much. Someone who, not two days prior had promised me clear and open communication with future "concerns". Kristin told me that we would discuss the matter at greater length after PAX had finished and we'd gotten back to Seattle; Tango, the enforcer security chief would escort me out when I was ready.

Of course, I never truly was ready, how could I be? Four years of my life, for all intents and purposes, had just been taken away; my honor and my pride, stripped from me and for what? What was the reason, the exact reason that this had happened? "Safety Concerns"? Who's safety? Safety from what? Where was the open and clear communication I was promised? Where was the discussion between Kristin and myself? What had happened to all those vaunted safety nets that had supposedly been put in place? Was all of that mere talk? Were all the emails assuring me that Kristin and I had reached an agreement untrue? And what of my years of hard work, my tireless resolve to make the expo the best it could be? Did she not tell me, just two days prior, that she and PA knew how hard I worked, how dedicated and loyal I was, that I’d always jumped at the first opportunity to volunteer for anything, big or small? Was she simply telling me something that I wanted to hear? I had so many questions and had nothing more than a weak statement of talk later, after the fact.

I sat at the info booth for several minutes, trying to wrap my head around things, trying to understand everything that had happened in the last ten hours. I texted Gwyn, telling her of what happened, all I got back was her telling me she’d been told not to speak with me; a truly disheartening thing to read, on top of everything else that had happened. And sitting there surrounded by Enforcers who knew nothing of what had just taken place, without my badge I couldn’t stand it; I simply could not bear it to be there any longer. I got up to go to enforcerland when tango stopped me and, as politely and delicately as he could, told me I couldn’t wear my enforcer shirt back. I folded up the shirt and set it down on the chair I was sitting in and walked off, not waiting for Tango. This truly was dishonor; my badge and my shirt taken from me, I felt naked and exposed walking to Enforcerland, adding to the fact that I was clearly being escorted somewhere, all you had to do was look. It was humiliating in such a way as I had never experienced before. I quickly gathered my things, saying nothing to anyone, trying not to breakdown. Oh how I desperately wanted to breakdown and cry; my heart ached from the disappointment and shame. In My coat pocket I could hear thing jingling of my Enforcer service pins, a pin for each year I had enforced, going all the way back to 2007; a pin for working the Child’s play dinner auction and another “Black at Heart” pin to show solidarity between the east coast and west coast communities. All of them jingled in my coat as Tango and I walked through the service hallways of the convention center. Tango tried to be supportive of me, tried to cheer me up, tell me how much he hated doing that and how it wasn't personal and he wouldn't have done this if it was up to him. The sentiment was nice but I wasn’t in the mood to talk. When we finally got to the door, he held out his hand and wished me the best and hoped to see me back as an Attendee. All I could do was hand him my service pins.

I told him to give them to Kristin.

When I returned home a few days later, I came back tired and defeated. My forum access had been pulled, I was kicked from the IRC channel, I was completely cut off from my community; the people I called family. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think, and all I could do was sit and wait. And wait I did. For two months, I waited quietly and patiently. It was in this time that I emailed Gwyn, to try and get some kind of understanding of what happened. She told me that she was worried about me that night, that I seemed upset and unhappy and the texts I sent her only solidified this feeling of unease. She took the texts to Airwolf, the main theater security manager who in turn took them to PRD. Gwyn then washed her hands of the situation, not wanting to be a part of any drama and simply to enjoy the rest of PAX, a concept I find particularly ironic as she is as equally responsible as I for this drama. Moreover Gwyn said she supported the decision to remove me from the enforcers, claiming that I would be better off not being an Enforcer. I read through her email a dozen times trying to understand Gwyn's misunderstanding of me and my behavior. With this small amount of understanding and still havning not heard from Kristin, I finally broke down an emailed her myself. To her credit, she was very prompt in responding to me, returning three emails that day. But alas, she was not able to meet with me in person until late June/early July at the earliest. She did offer to have Robert Khoo meet with me as he was local to Seattle and was more readily available but I politely declined. Do not misunderstand: I wanted answers as badly as anyone in my position but I had no intention to speak with Robert; this matter did not concern him. I wanted to speak to Kristin; I wanted answers from her I wanted to hear what she had to say, to me.

I felt I had earned that much.

June and July have now come and gone and I have yet to meet with Kristin. I sent her a gentle reminder at the end of June to which again, she was very prompt in responding to. However, she was over booked for her next trip to Seattle and could not meet with me. I wondered if she’d forgotten that she’d said she would meet with me. After all, seven weeks without talking to someone, amidst the hustle and bustle of life, can make anyone forget something if they’re not constantly reminded. But then she told me that she thought it more prudent to let Khoo handle things, something I was none-too-pleased to do. I again reiterated that while I did not want to speak with Robert, I would because I felt that was the only option I had left but would still prefer to speak with her. No more than an hour after I sent that email, I get an email from Khoo, saying he’s “just getting looped into this conversation.” And wanted to know how he could be of assistance.

I’d been waiting four months for someone to ask me that. Why it took them four months to ask it, I will never truly know. I summarize the situation, as I understood it, to Robert and hoped that we could get the matter resolved. But that was not what Happened. In his emails, Robert stated a very clear lack of knowledge and understanding of what happened in Boston; don’t think he even really knows why my badge was pulled, something I’ve been trying to figure out for more than four months. He told me that my badge being pulled was not a precaution as I had once believed, but a "conclusion of a series of complaints we've had about you and your behavior toward and around other enforcers". Nothing about Gwyn in there, nothing about open and clear communication, there was nothing about anything that had actually taken place in Boston; Nothing! Not a single thing. And it is in this apparent lack of knowledge that I put my foot down, asking him very specific questions, questions I knew he wouldn't have the answer to which may have been foolish. The first two emails were simply signed “-Robert”; First name basis, informal, polite, workable. The third email was signed “Robert Khoo, Penny Arcade, Inc.” I had gone from dealing with nice guy, human Robert to Business Khoo. Business Khoo had long since made up his mind on this matter and any/all correspondence that might take place (and even the ones that had already taken place) were nothing more than for formality's sake.

All I wanted were some answers. I want to be treated fairly, I wanted the open and clear communication that I was promised. After four years of tireless hard work and loyalty, I wanted my day in court; I deserved that much; I have earned that much. But after four, quickly becoming five, months I still haven't had it. I still do not know why my badge was pulled, there is no justifiable reason, that I can think of, based on all the emails that I've had back and forth with Kristin before PAX and the hour or so I spent with her at PAX East hammering out all the details and "concerns" and everything else, why my badge was taken. I have written all of this, this what amounts to more than eight pages of text, in attempts to make others understand what I have been through and to better understand it myself. I have come to the end of my tale to find I am no closer to my goal. My search for understanding of an unjust situation goes on and I fear it will never be answered. I also make this situation in Boston public knowledge, so that people might stop regarding me at an arms length, like the have to tiptoe around some unspoken issue or talk about it in hushed voices, out of earshot from me. Makeing this public I hope will end the disregard and disrespect I have recived from certain parties, within the Enforcer organization, who seem to think that because my badge was pulle, that makes them better than me. That that gives them free recourse to treat me how they like because "QuickSnap is gone" and nothing else can happen to ruin their parade of smug satisfaction.

They are mistaken.

I have had a very difficult five months, this exile I have endured has taught me a great number of things. It is one more growing experience that I have endured and has forced me to mature. It has meant putting up with a lot of stalling, a lot of excuses, a lot of confusion, a lot of bullshit; And make no mistake, each one annoyed the hell out of me because nothing that has happened in the last five months has been in any way, shape or form, fair to me. I do not, do not bare any animosity towards Tango, Gwyn, Kristin or Robert. I have nothing but respect for them. I do not wish them ill in any way shape or form. All I wanted, all I want is to be treated fairly. I wasn't and I haven't. And the way this situation has been handled (or not handled as it were) sets a very unsettling precedent for the next time. Not my next time, but the next time something like this happens. For the next enforcer that finds themselves in similar states, are they to rely on the word of Kristen Lindsey, that discussion will be had and promises will be kept? Are they to believe the words of Robert Khoo, who emails words of help on a situation he likely knows very little about? Will this person even bother fight? Will they just give up and face termination in disgrace and defeat? Or to take the route I have, which is one of patience and understanding? Will they dig in for the long haul, hoping against hope that something, anything, will come out of this for the better?

Will they take the long and winding road, no matter how long it gets, how impassable it seems, because they know that they journey will make them stronger for it?

I can only hope that they are.

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I would later, finally get my sit down meeting with Robert Khoo but it would not be until the week before PAX, and only for a scant 40 minutes; it was all the precious time the man could spare. In that meeting, which had a very subtle undertone of annoyed inconvenience on his part, I was told for the first time, after six months of trying to get this answer, that the "official" reason why I was dismissed was "sexual harassment", the very notion of which astounded me. Moreover, due to time constraints and this bizarre need to "maintain" my composure, I did not say everything I should have and really needed to say; an unfortunate side effect of even more unfortunate circumstances.

Dated 10/13/2011

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It has been far too long since I have put pen to paper (or fingers to keys as it were) and to expunge the all-consuming thoughts from my mind. The all-consuming thoughts that keep me awake at night, at times when I am alone, when there is no one and nothing around but me and my emptiness. And yet in spite of this I try (key word I suppose) to keep looking forward, instead of dwelling on the past and all that has transpired. It is still quite a difficult thing to do; goodness knows that the Friday night of PAX this year was very challenging, and very emotional. Looking upon all of my friends, my family, and seeing them adorned in their Blue PAX 11' Enforcers shirts, going about their weekend, busy as a hive of bees, going to and from. And then being forced to look back upon myself, faceless, nameless attendee #26480, and trying to have a good time, trying to enjoy myself. But with my entire support group caught up in their tasks as Enforcers, I had no one to truly rely on. I eventually broke down on a bench on the fourth floor promenade, many enforcers passing me by, either taking no notice or not recognizing me.

Even Kristen Lindsey, someone whom I once looked up to and greatly respected, came within feet of me but said nor did anything (and not for the last time that weekend either). To have someone to whom I looked up to and respected to such a degree, not even acknowledge that I was there, when I was not even four feet from her, is both insulting and heartbreaking. As to which feeling was greater, I could not truly say.

I'm going to bullet point some stuff in the interest of time. Anyone who wants to talk about one specific thing or another can find me at the bar and I'll be happy to talk.


After months of emailing back and forth, I finally got my sit down conversation with a member of PA staff involved in this matter. I met with Robert Khoo himself, who deemed me worthy of a generous 40 minutes of his time the week before PAX to attempt to settle and close the matter once and for all.

I do not agree with not accept his explanation for why I was dismissed. "Sexual Harassment" may be fine and dandy in some peoples book but not this one. Not only does it invalidate my entire relationship with Gwyn up to that point, but it is also counter to why Gwyn went to Kristen in the first place. It makes me wonder if he even spoke with Gywn at all (likely not, because he's Robert Khoo and can't be bothered with enforcer matters).

I take exception to Mike Fehlauer's comment that honour and pride are internal, and that they shouldn't have any barring on what happened. The idea that my pride and honor being stripped from me along with my shirt and my badge and experiencing a great deal of dishonor and shame doesn't (or shouldn't) have an effect on my person or my outlook (because things like pride and honor are not physical, tangible things).

If that was the case, if that was truly the case, then losing my badge and shirt and being cut off from my family and community of friends shouldn't have caused me such great degrees of stress and hardship. I should have had no problem dealing with the consequences of what amounts to getting fired from a job which happens to someone every day.

BigRed is a goddamn fucking asshole; always has been, always will be. He is guilty of far more, over a far greater period of time than I am, and yet like a cancer or some other type of virulent, infectious disease, he still persists. While I, who only ever did everything I was asked to do and more, was unceremoniously discarded.

I learned sometime after PAX, after my meeting with Robert, and after for all intents and purposes, all discussion had come to a close between myself and PA, that there were no less than nine instances, nine separate complaints levied against me over the course of my four and a half year tenure in the Enforcers. Ignoring for a moment, the fact that I never knew about any of these instances as problems, as they were never brought to my attention as such, it boggles my mind that Robert would tell me in one email that he wants to help me but that we need to be open and on the same page when he wasn't even honest with me from the beginning.

How am I supposed to fix a problem or a complaint directed at me if I am never made known that such an issue even exists? Was I simply being set up for failure? Did all my hard work and sacrifice over the years really count for something but was counteracted by these "issues" and I really only ever hung on by a thread?
It really was nice to get to see all my friends and family again at PAX, those who recognized me anyways. They were all really happy to see me and asked me how I'd been, where I'd been and why I hadn't been around. Most of them were shocked beyond words when I showed them my attendee badge. I remember one galfriend of mine, Dee, she was shocked right into a fit of profanity: 'What the fuck is this!? How the fuck did that happen? Who's fuckin idea was this?" it brought a smile to my face when she said she wanted to know everything that had happened. Though I never would get the chance to tell her that story.

I have been struggling to sift through my thoughts, to try and make them coherent for consumption. But in the jumble of everything, I found only more confusion, and a lack of reconciliation on my part. There is a part of me that still foolishly clings to this notion of what I "deserve", that what happened to me wasn't "just" or "fair"(it wasn't, but that's moot at this point). And that the one person I really wanted to talk to, the only person who really had anything to answer for, to me at least, I never spoke to.

I don't know which part of all of this bums me out the most.

Dated 10/16/2011

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I have suddenly reached a horrifying and saddening realization: That everything I'd worked for, everything I thought I'd worked for, and everything I'd ever hope to accomplish in the last four and a half years has been a tremendously and spectacularly wasted effort. Ever since I came into the Enforcers, I thought I had found family, I thought I had found a social circle with which I could finally feel apart of and be accepted by wholeheartedly (as much as a just-out-of-high school kid can truly understand the notions of "acceptance"). Indeed I so merrily thought that I had done just that that from the first day I was off and running! And then tripping, and stumbling, and falling head-over-heels down this troublesome slope called "group dynamics", something I thought I was pretty good at. But much to my dismay, and as I would sadly learn time and time again, I was quite literally a child trying to make my way in a world of adults, trying to compete with their adult behavior and still thinking in foolish and childish concepts. The way I behaved and carried on as I did in High School was no longer appropriate nor adequate in this world of adults, this social circle that I dare to call my friends.

I would make mistake after mistake after absent minded mistake. Never setting out to do any one thing in particular intentionally or out of spite; I had always thought I was aware if I was making a mistake or had said or done something wrong that I would know it and take the necessary steps to address my error. But apparently not, as over the course of four and a half years, I made no less than nine (that's the number 9, as in one less than ten,) mistakes, things someone or a group of someones took exception to and decided I needed to be reprimanded. But rather than step up and be an adult (or worse, a "parent" to an oblivious "child") and tell me when and where I had made such a mistake, these persons (who truly are unknown to me; I have no idea who said what to whom) decided that the more appropriate thing to do was to alert the ever present (read: not really) management who could act accordingly and maintain the anonymity of the person(s) issuing the complaint(s). And this is all fine and dandy, truly it is, I have no issue with this process. However, when management fails to notify the alleged perpetrator of their transgression, they cannot address their actions and thus fix whatever problems that there might be.

Looking back from the beginning to now, a span of four and a half, almost five years (quite a long time when you're only 22), I know full well that I have made many, many mistakes. If the Enforcers ran on a "Three Strikes" policy, I'd have been thrown out several times over by now. What happend in Boston was either the last straw and someone was simply looking for an excuse to get rid of me, or the gross miscommunication that I still believe it to be; perhaps it was a bit of both, I will never truly know. What I do know, and what sets me about just now with such unease was that throughout the course of this time, I was allowed to make mistake after mistake and blindly go about as if nothing had changed. And perhaps I was blind, not knowing when and where I can failed to be the person I had always been raised to be, to live up to the standards my parents had set about for me. But I was not ignorant. Oh no, Ignorant was the one thing I was not. I knew full well that I had drawn the ire of select individuals within the organization, other Enforcers who had been around longer, who's opinions carried far more weight than that of a lowly scrub. On more than one occasion, this caused me fits of tears, to think that I had failed not only my own upbringing, but that I was unworthy of the community I had so quickly become attached too. I believe I even went into our private IRC channel and publicly renounced my status as an Enforcer, believing that I had simply failed too many times to be considered worth making an effort for. I was convinced of my own failures (real, perceived or otherwise) that I felt undeserving of being part of what I would later call my family. It brought such peace to my heart when the channel lit up with other Enforcers reassuring me that I was in fact welcome and worthy of my place in our community, that making mistakes was something everyone did, and would still do no matter how hard we tried to prevent it. I was but a kid after all, and this was all apart of "growing up".

After this happened, I made myself a promise: I would work hard at at Enforcer events and more so at PAX , harder than I'd ever worked before at anything. I would prove myself worthy of not only my family name but also the Enforcer branding of the shirt on my back. I would do whatever asked of me by my superiors, I would never fail to accept a task, I would "see the need" as my father always encouraged me to do, to "serve, surround and support" those who needed and to be friend to all who would be accepting to me.To be every bit of the man I had always been raised to be, to be accountable for myself and my actions, to hold true to my integrity as an individual, and to always live up to my responsibilities as an Enforcer. To not worry about the thoughts of those who disliked me; they had already written me off as far as they were concerned and I shouldn't wast my effort on trying to convince them otherwise. And so I did. But I still made mistakes. Never at a PAX, as far as I'm aware, but mistakes still happened. Social mistakes. And the distant and cold behavior given to me by others only pushed my resolve to do better even further. I focused on every area I could think of to get better, this became my all consuming thought.

And you can all see it now can't you? That last point, to not care what others think and to be true to myself. Meanwhile the others behavior became colder and colder. And so I worked harder and harder still. Why? Why work so hard if I already knew that I didn't care about what these Enforcers of aristocracy thought? What was the point of all the effort? What was I hoping to achieve? Just what was I trying to prove? I was seeking to better myself, what should it matter to me what they think? The colder they got, the harder I worked and for what!?

Validation.

I worked tirelessly for four and a half years, subconsciously aware that I had made mistakes (not aware of the details perhaps but I knew I had made mistakes) in order to prove not just to myself that I was worthy of my post as an Enforcer, but to the management who were no doubt aware of the mistakes I had made. I wanted others to know and see beyond a shadow of a doubt that I deserved to be there. That there were people who liked me for me, who enjoyed my company and weren't annoyed ore offended by me. And that management knew that not only was I everything I'd ever been raised to be, but that I was more. I was capable of anything that they wanted me to do, that they could rely on me to be a hard worker, a tireless worker who always helped out with anything and everything, who jumped at the opportunity to serve and make PAX the best it could be for everyone. And more importantly, to all those who doubted me, who secretly kept score of everything I'd done and mocked me in private conversation that they didn't dare bring up at parties or in public. Lest I actually prosper in the change I so desperately sought to make, to gain the public validation of my worth not just to myself but to the public of our community. God forbid that I should I jump with all my might for that great brass ring and actually succeed in catching it.

In Boston, at PAX East, I was *this* close to getting everything I'd worked for, everything I'd strived for. My years of humility and sacrifice were finality going to pay off. All I had to do was continue to do my best and to work hard and it was mine. Instead, I made another mistake; one last, little mistake, an absent minded slip of the tongue. And everything I'd ever worked for was gone in an instant; Everything I'd waited for was taken away from me. And all the people who I'd longed to finally prove wrong, were proven right, One. Last. Time.

This is a long overdue rebuttal to my friend Gwyn, whom I last spoke to in April. I have not sent this to her and I likely never will but I've dumped the thoughts from my mined and here is the result.

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Gwyn,

I honestly don't know where to begin. In the jumbled up mess of thoughts that is my head, I've had a lot (and I mean a lot) of things to think about and dwell on since we last had contact with each other (and really, since PAX East). I'm not quite sure how to explain just what exactly I've gone through, the kind of treatment (intentional or otherwise) that I have experienced in the last seven months on the part of Penny Arcade, The PAX Forumers, other enforcers who know not of what happened that March night and choose to only believe the gossip and hearsay that is gathered up in the ever unforgiving enforcer rumor-mill. I have been dealt hardship and disappointment; I have experienced anger and frustration and heartache and all that comes with being forced to sever ties with one's family. That's right, my family. Bet you're shocked to see me write that aren't you? You see Gwyn, I've had a long time to think about things these past few months. Being removed from the enforcers and the rhetoric and runaround that I received from Penny Arcade in the fallout of that removal is, in a word, extraordinary. To say that I was treated fairly, with just and due considerations for my five years (that's seven PAXs in case you were wondering) of hard work and sacrifice would be...inaccurate. I made a lengthy write up on the whole matter, as a way of coping with everything that had happened; a sort of self-therapy as it were.

Let's start I suppose with the last time you and I had any contact with each other, April 12th. I'll admit, I didn't expect to get such a quick response from you over my initial message. And the content of your response only lead to more confusion. I must have read it a dozen times the first few days I got it, trying to wrap my head around how you could have gotten things so...wrong. I hate to use that word because it implies that in this entire clusterfuck of a situation (both what actually happened that night and everything that has happened since), one can take a "right" or "correct" stance verses any/all other positions when really, there are simply many points of view of what transpired. And yours is one of them. However, I must stress that there is a great deal of misinformation in your message, things you stated or claimed that simply are not accurate. And I blame this less on you as I do a more general communication breakdown between you and I. How else could this entire bloody mess even happened if there weren't some kind of disconnect (implicit or otherwise) already in place? It is with this in mind that I'd like to go back to your original message and, section by section, set the record straight on what took place that night.

You might want to get a snack or something, this is going to take a little bit. And...my apologies in advance if this whole thing comes across as a little bitter and frustrated; I have kept these thoughts bottled up for far too long.

>When I arrived at PAX, I had no plans. I do not make plans. I knew there were people I wanted to see, but ultimately I wanted everything to happen organically. As it happened, I got swept up into the Main Theater family and found a home there. I had also arrived after a week of getting up at 6 AM every day to work 7 hours on my feet with young adults, and then go home to work on my graduate work so I could have free time for the weekend. I was exhausted from day 1.

This is all fine and dandy. Getting swept up in your work and in your environment and ending up in God-knows-which department is part of what makes PAX such an awesome place to work. Your desire to want things to happen naturally (and thus make the most of your experience) is admirable. Let me tell you what I did: I took time off that I wasn't getting paid for, I spent money I wasn't going to make back for months; Grinded through a weeks worth of Italian homework and pulled an all-nighter on a mid-term paper for my history classes (to keep my teachers happy that I was missing a week of class, the week before finals) and worked a two eight hour opening shifts at my job (in order to keep my co-workers happy that I was leaving them to a three person grind for four days). I didn't sleep Tuesday to Wednesday because I was too busy preparing for my 7am flight to the other side of the goddamn country being forced to deal with jet lag in the process and I still worked Thursday set-up from morning till night. You are not the only person who was exhausted from the fucking get go!

>Our conversation Friday enlightened me to the fact that, since I was tired, I really only wanted to focus on my duties and I was not in a mood for conversation. And yet, you were trying to tell me that you were going to drag me somewhere when I knew full well I was either going to be at the convention or heading to my friend's house to pass out. Just that alone really opened my eyes to the fact that things had changed a lot since the previous year, and that we were going in different directions.

Wanting to focus on your duties is again, also fine. It's something that I did with an almost blind dedication for five years. To block out all distractions and to simply work, it's a kind of mental trance that you put yourself into and completing your goals is your one and only desire. And yet here I was! Interrupting your work with placating conversation, trying only to interact in person with a friend that I hadn't seen in a year. And yes, saying that I wanted to "drag you somewhere" was very likely a poor choice of words on my part; My only intent was to grab a bite to eat or something. Sure, we had spent the better part of the previous year talking to each other on the phone and on facebook so it wasn't like we had to "catch up" or anything but I didn't see it as too much to ask to have more than ten minutes in passing between shifts to see someone. I still don't.

>I was under the impression that even though you wanted to hang out with me, the main reason you were at PAX was to be at PAX, and not to see me. Electronic ferret, for example, I was glad to run into once or twice the whole weekend, but I never got a chance to hang out with her because I didn't honestly have time to hang out with anyone, but I wasn't upset that we had not hung out. I was working, or sleeping, and so was she.

Now we're getting to the heart of this communication break down. I did go to PAX for PAX, I spent $1,500 (about 1/10th of what I make in a year) and flew across the country the week before finals because I wanted to go to PAX. I don't regret that decision and I'd do it again if given the opportunity. And as I said in the last paragraph, I didn't see it as too much to ask to physically hang out with someone but hey, stuff happens; we learn to deal with out disappointment (believe it or not, you're not the only person I wanted to try and hang out with that weekend).

>And then the next time I see you, you are largely upset. Something was wrong, and asking to kiss me only proved that you were lonely, while serving to make me feel disgusting. I didn't know how to say that whoever I was when I was discussing those things with you was not who I was now. Again, I was tired.

I most assuredly was not upset when we saw each other on Saturday night, I had just finished working since 7:30 that morning, in addition to not sleeping well the previous night and having not had a real solid meal all damn day! I was physically and mentally taxed to my breaking point and wanted nothing more than to kick up my feet with a large meal, several pints of beer and to sleep for 16+ hours. Nor was I lonely when we stood at the bottom of the stairs below Main Theater and I said I felt like I wanted to kiss you (note: that is what I actually said that night. I did not phrase it in the form of a question or make any attempts to acquire a kiss otherwise; I stood several feet from you and made a deadened statement with no intent or follow through). Yes, saying that was a gross laps in judgement on my behalf; no matter how tired I was, I knew better. I certainly did not intend to offend you or "make you feel disgusting" (or just whatever exactly you meant by that) nor am I suggesting that the presence of our more...intimate conversations in the past is justification for that statement. Simply, in the context of those conversations, my little offhanded comment really isn't that big of a deal. Perhaps I am wrong; again, communication breakdown.

>I didn't know why you were so upset, I just knew that you were and I was afraid for you. However, I would not have said anything, except I told one friend that you had asked to kiss me, and he flew into a rage. I am still amazed at the irony that the person he shared this rage with was you. Once you sent me a text, I became even more afraid that something would happen, so I called down Airwolf.

Again, I really was not upset about anything, in the slightest; I was simply too fucking tired to even give a damn about anything. Your concerns, however well intended, were unfounded in reality. There is indeed an irony in that the person that you told who "flew into a rage" spoke to me as the very next person but it is eclipsed by an even larger irony that had you not told him (or anyone) anything at all, I would not have texted you in a panic several minutes later (for fear of everything that would eventually happen anyway) trying to figure out just what you had said and to whom, thus leading you to alerting Arron and in turn, PRD, which would then lead to my badge getting pulled. It was a domino effect in its purest form; the simplest, unintended action (my off-hand comment) can cause a horrific cascade of tragedy (everything that came after).

>I had to tell him everything I'd seen, and he decided that he had to relay it to PRD that you were upset. He also asked me what I wanted, and my honest answer was to not be in this situation at all. To be free of drama. To not be spending my last day at the Con trying to reconcile things with you and just focusing on my work. So they told me to stop speaking to you.

It is not a bad thing to be free of "drama" yours, mine or anyone else's. What gets me is that you tell the higher ups that there is a problem (when reality there wasn't one, see: communication breakdown) and then you wash your hands of the situation as if it were no big deal because "you didn't want to have any drama". Gimmie a fuckin break; I've got some unfortunate news for you Gwyn: you're apart of this situation whether you like it or not. This "drama" that you don't want any part of? It's as much yours as it is mine. Did you ever take into consideration, at any point, what I might have wanted from this whole situation? That maybe, I should have a say in what fucking happens to me as an Enforcer?

>The decision of the higher ups was not that you had hit on me, but that you had shown you were still not found your place as an enforcer. Asking to kiss me proved you were lonely, not that you were lustful. I agree with their decision to remove you as an enforcer. But only because I think it will be better for you. I think part of being an enforcer is becoming part of that family, and for whatever reason, you weren't meshing the way you wanted to. You are always trying to prove something, when you should just stop trying so hard. And you're still young, and need time to grow up a little.

This. This is where we come to the crux of just how ass-backwards you had things. This right here flies in the fucking face of everything that Kristen and I had talked about for more than an hour, not two days prior during set-up. Remember that short story I wrote last February? Remember how I said Kristen and I were going to have a sit-down chat when I got to Boston and discuss any and all "concerns" that we might have? So as to be more productive and proactive going forward? Remember how I said on Friday that it was one of the best conversations I'd ever had with Kristen? How going out of it I was more sure of my place in the enforcers than ever before? Because I was.

Everything said in that conversation Thursday morning was everything I'd ever wanted to hear. It was validation of years of hard work and sacrifice and diligence and persisting in the face of adversity. I was told that PA knew just how hard I worked; Kristen's exact words to me were "we know how much you kill yourself for this organization, don't think that goes unnoticed". And that all my blood, sweat and toil spent over the years were finally, finally, going to pay off. At long last, I was going to be recognized for my hard work. All I had to do was continue to work hard, as I always had. Adding to that further I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, who my real friends were in the enforcers; the people who knew and liked me for who I was, who had gotten to know me beyond all the petty name calling and under-the-breath talking. People like Groove, Jaberwocky and Loren, Entonfire, Liger & Arno, Jedifreeman and Raingirllori, Jakwote, Vicious Platypus, Haikon, 435, Accalon, Fire and Clair, and the countless others who I count among my family. The people who even through this whole Boston mess have still stood by me because they know the kind of person that I really am. Yeah, it was a very rough road getting there, five years of social struggle and mistakes, and countless apologies and busting my ass even harder than before to show that I deserved to be there. I was on the cusp of everything I had ever worked for and wanted in the Enforcers with a great deal more to come. Finally, five years of struggle were going to be validated, publicly, for all to see. And with just an innocent, off handed comment, it was all taken away from me.

You said that you agree with their decision to remove me as an enforcer because you thought it would be better for me. I would dare say, no, I will say with absolute confidence, that me being removed from the enforcers, being forced to sever all ties, was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Ever since that Sunday morning where I stripped of my pride, my honor and my title of enforcer, things have only gotten worse. I have endured grief, humiliation, and disdain from certain members of the enforcer community, from others within the PAX Forums community. Been shrugged off by PRD and met with annoyed inconvenience from Robert Khoo. To this fucking day, after eight long months, I still do not know what happened that night. I do not know what went through PRD's mind or what happened to all the provisions that she and I had agreed to, that she had promised me, not even two days prior. I do not know why this whole thing wasn't simply handled quietly and privately between you and I.

But I do know the "official" reason why I was thrown out; After eight months, that much I do in fact know. It was Robert Khoo himself who came to this decision as I had to deal with him towards the end of my appeals process (an effort that seemed to be more for formality sake than an actual appeal of decision as it became apparent to me that Robert had long since made up his mind about me). Do you want to know what it was? I'm sure you'll agree with this decision too.

Sexual Harassment.

That's it. That's the reason why five years of hard work, of relentless dedication, of blind loyalty were thrown out without a second thought. I had to practically drag him kicking and screaming to the discussion table, a discussion that PRD assured me that we would have after PAX East, to get that answer. And you know what? I don't believe it. I don't believe that reason for a second; matter of fact, it's not really a reason at all: it's an excuse. It's bullshit in ever sense of the word. And it is absolutely infuriating; it defies all logic and justification. But you know what makes it worse? There's this despicable little niggling in the back of my mind that I cannot ignore; The distinct possibility that throughout all of this process, not once has anyone been honest with me, not even you. And that I cannot trust what you wrote on that April day, so long ago. What makes this notion so unnerving is the unsettling idea that maybe, just maybe, you wanted me thrown out "for my own good". I have no proof of this being the case and I have no other reason to believe it as truth, but it is there: This idea that I can't leg go of. I want to be angry at you Gwyn. I want to blame all this on you, to hold you responsible for everything that happened that night. I have every right and justification to being angry with you Gwyn, for your foolish misjudgment as I have just clearly demonstrated. And I have every right and reason and justification for being angry with Kristin and her empty promises and Robert with his inane, unjustifiable rhetoric.

I want to, but I can't. I'm bitter and angry and I'm frustrated and I'm hurt. And I want to blame you for feeling this way but I can't. I have to believe in my heart of hearts that you acted only with the best of intentions. I have to believe that you really were trying to help me; I have nothing else left to believe in. Ultimately, it was me who (to go back to dominoes for a moment) made that last unintentional nudge that sent everything cascading out of control that night. And while I am responsible for setting all of this into motion, I still feel that it does not change how poorly this whole situation was mishandled and how mistaken you were on a great deal of things.

...

I suppose I really am blaming you for somethings aren't I? Perhaps you can humor me, just this once. I've had a very rough spring and summer. And nearly everything I've been through has been unnecessary and uncalled for. And all of it was preventable too. Only the simplest of steps needed to be taken, there was no need for Penny Arcade to even get involved; there shouldn't have been any reason for this matter to not have been settled quietly, privately, between you and myself. But I guess that was just too much to ask then, wasn't it? I have been dishonored, shamed, slandered, forced to sever ties to my cherished Enforcer community, to my family. And I look back on your message and I read and mull over everything you have wrong and I have only one real question: Knowing all of this, everything I've been through and then some, does this change your opinion?

Gwyn, do you still stand by your decision to have me removed from the Enforcers?

This sounds way too detailed and planned out to be an authentical journal entry.

I'm innerly fighting right now because I like to read an interesting story but am not one bit interested in your choice of topic....

This sounds way too detailed and planned out to be an authentical journal entry.

I'm innerly fighting right now because I like to read an interesting story but am not one bit interested in your choice of topic....

Authentic or not, I personally find his posts to be truly impressive pieces of written expression. Whether you want to believe his story and subsequently be moved by it or not, is entirely up to you. At the end of the day however, I honestly feel it's a wonderfully written tale and wholly recommend you give it a read. Consider this a nudge towards your inner conflict on the matter of reading it, if you'd like. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)

To VanGuard, trying my best not to add to the walls of text in this thread (of which I'm all too capable of doing, I'm afraid) I'd just like to make you aware of just how much this example of wonderful writing has resonated with me. As for your tale, I can only care so much.. and I've long since exhausted my supply of that precious resource. You didn't post this for me, but for some reason I do feel strangely obligated to thank you for this entrancing read.

Be it words from the heart, or marvelous copypasta, you certainly have my gratitude.

This sounds way too detailed and planned out to be an authentical journal entry.

I'm innerly fighting right now because I like to read an interesting story but am not one bit interested in your choice of topic....

Authentic or not, I personally find his posts to be truly impressive pieces of written expression. Whether you want to believe his story and subsequently be moved by it or not, is entirely up to you. At the end of the day however, I honestly feel it's a wonderfully written tale and wholly recommend you give it a read. Consider this a nudge towards your inner conflict on the matter of reading it, if you'd like. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)

To VanGuard, trying my best not to add to the walls of text in this thread (of which I'm all too capable of doing, I'm afraid) I'd just like to make you aware of just how much this example of wonderful writing has resonated with me. As for your tale, I can only care so much.. and I've long since exhausted my supply of that precious resource. You didn't post this for me, but for some reason I do feel strangely obligated to thank you for this entrancing read.
Be it words from the heart, or marvelous copypasta, you certainly have my gratitude.

I am sad to say this is a true story. This whole thing actually happened to me this past march and over the last several months I have kept this running account on my [iamtheexile.blogspot.com] blog/journal thing.

@Ka-Datenshi: I've taken great care to carefully articulate the mess of thoughts in my head on this matter. It would be quite easy for me to go about, rambling angrily about on injustice or another, screaming and yelling and cursing this clusterfuck for what it is, and shedding tears for how awful this makes me feel. But I write because I think that it somehow helps me rationalize by forcing me to think through (and subsequently try and cope with) what happened.

Let me be clear: I never got the "closure" I was looking for when I finally met with Robert Khoo. There are questions that I still don't have the answers to. And I am most certainly not satisfied with the ones I got in that meeting. I should have pressed him further, made my frustrations a bit more clear. But I bit my tongue, out of both respect for the minimal amount of time and in the interest of maintaining my composure. This has been a very difficult ordeal for me and as such when speaking in person I can get quiet...emotional.

This post has been edited by VanGuard: Nov 8 2011, 22:28

This topic had 69 views when I opened it, heh.

I am sad to say this is a true story. This whole thing actually happened to me this past march and over the last several months I have kept this running account on my [iamtheexile.blogspot.com] blog/journal thing.

Heh. I did actually check out your blog before you linked it, optimistically hoping to find more entries. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

@Ka-Datenshi: I've taken great care to carefully articulate the mess of thoughts in my head on this matter. It would be quite easy for me to go about, rambling angrily about on injustice or another, screaming and yelling and cursing this clusterfuck for what it is, and shedding tears for how awful this makes me feel. But I write because I think that it somehow helps me rationalize by forcing me to think through (and subsequently try and cope with) what happened.

Let me be clear: I never got the "closure" I was looking for when I finally met with Robert Khoo. There are questions that I still don't have the answers to. And I am most certainly not satisfied with the ones I got in that meeting. I should have pressed him further, made my frustrations a bit more clear.

I think you'll find as you travel further though this.. 'clusterfuck' that is life.. that closure, true, meaningful closure, is a rare thing indeed. There are questions that you will never get answers to, ever; this in spite of how hard you may or may not try to find them. Life's like that; a totally unfair bitch.

Next to closure and a meaningful resolution, understanding can be the next best thing. As I read though your journal entries, the impression that you were walking down a path of greater understand about these events was the impression I received. It's so easy to simply lose one's composure in the face of something tragically unfair, let alone something we honestly can't seem to comprehend the reasons behind.

However, the very search for answers that can be deemed so crucially necessary for us to 'move on with our lives' can itself, be just another form of escapism. Effort spent does not equal the rewards reaped, it so rarely does... To that end, you can search and search with all your being for the Truths you so desire, only to find they bring you no comfort whatsoever. And that's even if you find them at all.

You're young and as far as I know, quite healthy too, and as terrible as the world often is, you've likely got a lot more things ahead of you both wonderful and terrible. But if you remain still for too long because of the gravity of this issue, it's entirely plausible to find yourself one day having become thoroughly stuck in your own past. There's a time to stop caring, to simply throw your arms in the air and just.. walk away. Terrible, tragic things happen. To you. To me. To everyone.

The most terrible and tragic of all being that people's lives all too often come to a complete standstill because of said events.

You can write until your fingers bleed and lie awake in introspection for the rest of time, but eventually, you'll run out of answers to find within yourself. What's more, you could conceivable spend a great deal more time doing just that than you ever thought possible. Take it from me, random-forum-person-with-slightly-creepy-avatar, that the sooner you wash your hands of this affair and be done with it, the better off you will be in the long run.

Maybe you realise all this already, I really hope you do, but if you do not, then hopefully you do now. Momentum is so easily lost and much more difficult to recapture, so if you can.. don't stop.

Time flies, especially so when we aren't moving with it...

But I bit my tongue, out of both respect for the minimal amount of time and in the interest of maintaining my composure. This has been a very difficult ordeal for me and as such when speaking in person I can get quiet...emotional.

At the very least, the one singular thing you can gain from this regret is that perhaps next time you will not be so hesitant to speak the thoughts straining to escape from your mind, if only not to feel such a regret once again. You can dwell on that regret for as long as you like, but you likely won't gain much. Unless you plan to take steps to repeat that encounter with Khoo, that is.

Regrets are like lessons, horrible, costly lessons, but lessons nevertheless. Take what good you can from it, or not, as that is your choice after all, but like everything there'll come a point where dwelling on it further won't do you a lick of good. Yeah, I know it's easier said than done. I really do. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)

As you have managed to capture my interest, might I ask you a question regarding what you plan to do now regarding this issue? Do you plan to keep looking for the answers to the questions of which you desire answers to (be it proactively searching for them or dwelling more in introspective thought) in the hope that one of the answers you may find provides the long-sought closure you seek, or are you indeed determined to simply come to terms with all that has happened, make those experiences a part of you and move forward once again? I honestly cannot tell what your intended direction is, even after reading your extensive walls of text. Though I think by now I've made it abundantly clear that I feel that you're teetering between two alternatives, one of which is not devising an amicable resolution to all of this.

Still, walls of texts, even extensive and well written ones, are entirely capable of being misleading. Maybe internally you're already well on your way to finding the very closure you seek. I don't know either way, but I am however, curious as to which it is.

the unbiased and indifferent.

At least the latter is accurate. Sorry guy, I can't bring myself to read all that right now. It's intimidating, and I'm running on about 3 hours sleep. Another night, maybe.

This post has been edited by FourThirteen: Nov 9 2011, 06:11

As you have managed to capture my interest, might I ask you a question regarding what you plan to do now regarding this issue? Do you plan to keep looking for the answers to the questions of which you desire answers to (be it proactively searching for them or dwelling more in introspective thought) in the hope that one of the answers you may find provides the long-sought closure you seek, or are you indeed determined to simply come to terms with all that has happened, make those experiences a part of you and move forward once again? I honestly cannot tell what your intended direction is, even after reading your extensive walls of text. Though I think by now I've made it abundantly clear that I feel that you're teetering between two alternatives, one of which is not devising an amicable resolution to all of this.

Still, walls of texts, even extensive and well written ones, are entirely capable of being misleading. Maybe internally you're already well on your way to finding the very closure you seek. I don't know either way, but I am however, curious as to which it is.

I am....stuck in my stubbornness. There is such a profound wrongness to this whole situation that I feel compelled to not let go of it. Yet I know full well that I have almost nothing to gain by continuing to do so. I foolishly still cling to this idea that if I just explain what happened, that it will convince Robert that he's made a mistake.

As it stands, I don't even want to attend PAX anymore. I had a hard enough time this year as it was; Friday was unbearable. All of my friends going about their duties and working hard and laughing an enjoying PAX as part of the great, big enforcer family, while I was nothing more than nameless, faceless, attendee #26480.

I know I have to move on. And I know that perseverance through this whole experience will make me a better person and build character and all that crap, I don't want to move on. I don't want to let go of the Enforcers. I want to part of my family again; I want my pride and my honor back.... I want to send Gwyn that letter, that response to her email; I need to know what she thinks. She thought not being part of the enforcers would be better for me and I need to know if she still thinks that's true.

Send her the damn letter.

I want to send Gwyn that letter, that response to her email; I need to know what she thinks.

Send her the damn letter.

Firstly, this. Unless you honestly feel that you have something to lose by doing so. Sometimes it is actually better to hold back your thoughts, if only to avoid additional complications to your life.. however if you haven't anything to lose, and by the sounds of it you don't, and when at the very least you could gain a slither of closure by sending that letter, I logically can't see any reason not to send it.

Worse case scenario you end up burning down a bridge you've already lost access to. Big whoop. Send the letter. Hell, send everything you've typed on this entire matter. Nothing bad can come from better understanding from all the parties involved. After all, you know what can occur when miscommunications happen, and there's no kind of miscommunication quite as miscommunicative than no communication at all.

Take this chance to get the Truth (as you see it) out there, because the chance to do so rarely comes by twice.

I am....stuck in my stubbornness.

Stubbornness can be the key factor in saving your life, and it can also be the reason for why you lost it in the first place. The important thing to know is when you're fighting for what's important, and when you're fighting for something trivial. Happiness versus pride, for example.

There is such a profound wrongness to this whole situation that I feel compelled to not let go of it. Yet I know full well that I have almost nothing to gain by continuing to do so. I foolishly still cling to this idea that if I just explain what happened, that it will convince Robert that he's made a mistake.

In all honesty, is this even a remote possibility? Don't answer optimistically, answer honestly. Nine complaints over the course of years, an organisation with it's own rules and pride to uphold, the number of people whom would have to be re-convinced that you are the kind of person they want working alongside them. Remember, organisations have egos too. If they were to ever let you back in, they would at best be setting a worrisome president that could imply that if someone whines long enough, the organisation will cave and at worst, showing they have no real ability to manage their own operations.

To them, you will always be just one person, one person among many, many others. To them, even if you are recognised as special or a precious resource, to them there will always be more of you. Even if replacing you means getting several people simply to do everything you, a singular person, used to do, they will do it if it means less hassle for those in the positions of power that can and have decided your fate on this matter.

So ask yourself, really, is this truly something that can ever be fully undone? If you believe it is, fight for it. If you believe it isn't, either move on with your life, or seek vengeance. As strange as the latter sounds, there exist people in the world who simply cannot move forward without enacting 'an eye for an eye'. I'm not one of these people.. at least, not anymore, but dwelling in a pit of self-pity and anger isn't going to do you any good; which is the alternative if you can't find some way to put this entire issue to rest.

Hope, acceptance, vengeance. Pick one.

As it stands, I don't even want to attend PAX anymore. I had a hard enough time this year as it was; Friday was unbearable. All of my friends going about their duties and working hard and laughing an enjoying PAX as part of the great, big enforcer family, while I was nothing more than nameless, faceless, attendee #26480.

I know I have to move on. And I know that perseverance through this whole experience will make me a better person and build character and all that crap, I don't want to move on. I don't want to let go of the Enforcers.

Why do you live? What is your purpose in life? Why do you get up in the morning? Is it because of the enforcers? If so, are there no other reasons? If there are not, your choice is simple. Reclaim your reason for living, or find a new one. And, if you already have other reasons for getting out of bed in the morning, nothing is stopping you from devoting yourself to them with the same vigor and determination that you once gave the enforcers.

I don't believe you need PAX, nor even the enforcers. But if I'm wrong, and you believe I am, then allow me to point out the obvious: This is a great opportunity for change. This change won't necessary make you a better person or even a stronger one for the experience, that kind of optimistic drivel is for the weak and the delusional. But nothing is ever completely negative. You will gain something from this whole mess, be it the tiniest realisation of the Truths about yourself, or even something you never wanted to begin with. Life is like that too. It can take everything at a moments notice, but save your actual life, you can always succeed in getting something in exchange; you just don't often get a lot of choice when it comes to what that 'something' is.

I want to part of my family again; I want my pride and my honor back....

You can learn to live without family. You can also learn to live without pride and honour too. The questions is, where do you draw the line? It's an important question to know the answer too. Me, I'm pretty simple in where I'll draw the line. My life. That's it. So long as I continue to exist, to further experience and remain in existence, I can keep on going. You aren't quite as easy to please, I do believe, but even you have things that you can live without. Family, pride, honour.. the enforcers, are they requirements of your existence, or merely optional attachments?

She thought not being part of the enforcers would be better for me and I need to know if she still thinks that's true.

In all honestly, her reason sounds a bit too convenient for my liking. Doesn't mean it's not true, but do bare in mind that humans rarely ever tell the whole Truth. Fortunately for you, humans have devised novel ways of communicating with one another, which means you can actually ask her this question.

And since you can, you might as well. Keep in mind though what I said about answers, that they won't always bring you comfort. Never ask a question for which you aren't prepared to handle any possible answer.

...

Seriously, it's a really bad idea to do otherwise. Answers you aren't prepared for.. are entirely possible of destroying you.

I want to part of my family again; I want my pride and my honor back....

Sorry, that screwed it up for me....

This post has been edited by Benjiro: Nov 9 2011, 12:06

Sorry, that screwed it up for me....

Excuse me if I hold personal honor and pride as important values in my life and that I draw the comparison of my enforcer shirt and badge (the physical representations of said values) being taken from me as being striped of an aspect of my pride and my honor.

Sorry, that screwed it up for me....

How so, no heart for VanGuard's plight?

Even I with my heart more callous than.. heart.. has found myself entranced by his story to the point where I'm actually trying to help him. Which, considering who I am, is a ridiculous premise in itself.

Can't care, or won't care?

I think pride and honor starts with one's mind and ends with one's actions.

Pride and honor given down by a heteronomous source such as the family is, in my eyes, falsified, if not entirely unreal. Even if you care so much for what see as a family, you shouldn't need them to reassure yourself that what you think or do or want to think or want to do is the right thing. They shouldn't give you more than respect, and respect itself is far too subjective to be taken seriously and valued as greatly as so many deem it to be.

Besides that, I've never been the family type and don't like stories about "belonging".(IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/heh.gif)

But that's just my, very personal, opinion, which is rather worhless anyway, since I, as said, didn't read very much of your story and therefor am very likely to completely miss the point right now.

That's why I apologized. You don't need to excuse yourself for anything.
Your view is probably even healthier than mine. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)

I think pride and honor starts with one's mind and ends with one's actions.

Pride and honor given down by a heteronomous source such as the family is, in my eyes, falsified, if not entirely unreal. Even if you care so much for what see as a family, you shouldn't need them to reassure yourself that what you think or do or want to think or want to do is the right thing. They shouldn't give you more than respect, and respect itself is far too subjective to be taken seriously and valued as greatly as so many deem it to be.

Interestingly I agree almost completely with just about everything you said. I don't see honour or pride as something to be affirmed or bestowed by others either, nor am I much for familial ties. Though if I did have a collection of people I could call my 'family', it wouldn't be those whom share my blood in any case. There's 'relatives', then there's 'family'. The two don't cross over for me. In this case however, VanGuard's 'family' are not blood ties either.

His honour and pride however are deeply attached to physical objects, tasks and duties which he greatly enjoyed. When these things were taken away from him, his 'honour' and 'pride' was literally taken from him. At least, his perception of these things. In addition, his pride and satisfaction was (and possibly still is) highly based around the opinions and perceptions of others, opinions and perceptions that have now changed drastically.

Besides that, I've never been the family type and don't like stories about "belonging".(IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/heh.gif)

I'm not much for 'belonging' either, but I do at least understand the concept. If I didn't, I wouldn't be offering advice on the subject, that's for sure. His 'story' though is well written, so there's that even if you don't enjoy the subject matter.

So unless you're in the enviable position of never finding yourself without something to do or entertain yourself with, you now have something to do when you're bored - read his posts. (IMG:[invalid] style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

But that's just my, very personal, opinion, which is rather worhless anyway, since I, as said, didn't read very much of your story and therefor am very likely to completely miss the point right now.

Long (VERY long, actually) story short, VanGuard found a place where he felt he belonged and because of a chain of events of almost tragically ridiculous proportions he suddenly found himself exiled from this community forever due largely to a massive breakdown in communication, some innocent oversights by himself and a ton far less innocent oversights from those around him.

Now he's lost a core element of his identity and due to the understandable unfairness of it all has found himself having trouble letting go of the past and moving forward once more. As a result he's become deeply introspective and is having to deal with personal problems relating to who he is on top of losing that which he both loved, and defined him as a person. That 'community' and the people whom reside there are what he refers to as his 'family'; basically a group of people he greatly enjoyed being around, some of whom would later cast him out citing various reasons.

Now he's trying to figure out what to do next, basically.

Sufficient tl;dr version?

Though some of VanGuard's concepts and values might seem foolish or incomprehensible to us, the important thing to remember is that, to him, they aren't. To you and me VanGuard's enforcer shirt is just a piece of clothing and his badges pieces of metal, but to him, they're much for than that. Which is why, then these things and the meanings behind them were taken away, he's ended up where he is now.

This post has been edited by Ka-Datenshi: Nov 9 2011, 13:24

You should send the letter and you should include how you felt having to be just an attendee. Explain how she took something you enjoy away from you because she wanted to avoid the drama of one conversation to clear things up. Make sure you include a link to your blog and ask her to read it so she can see what you've gone through so she could avoid drama. Show her what you've gone through for months because she didn't want to go through drama for one day.

You were tired and hungry, measures should have been taken to prevent that in their (what I assume is) volunteers.

You could always threaten suicide and ask her how she's going to avoid that drama. I'm joking here but a false threat blaming her actions certain would show her true face.

This post has been edited by Shadow Weaver: Nov 9 2011, 14:00

You should send the letter and you should include how you felt having to be just an attendee. Explain how she took something you enjoy away from you because she wanted to avoid the drama of one conversation to clear things up. Make sure you include a link to your blog and ask her to read it so she can see what you've gone through so she could avoid drama. Show her what you've gone through for months because she didn't want to go through drama for one day.

This is a good idea, as it's more or less what's already been suggested. Twice.

You could always threaten suicide and ask her how she's going to avoid that drama. I'm joking here but a false threat blaming her actions certain would show her true face.

This is not.

Glossing over the possibility that such a threat, false or otherwise, could cause her to simply (and with very little effort) cease all communication with VanGuard permanently, the consequences of such a threat could easily reach far beyond just the two of them. If indeed it was the case that she was partially responsible for VanGuard's removal from the enforcers, citing reasons essentially based on emotional issues (loneliness/isolationism, ect), what do you think would be her reaction when she sees a suicide threat? She's going to think not only was she correct in her belief that VanGuard has serious issues that more than justified his removal from the enforcers, but the threat itself is more than likely going to completely destroy whatever credibility VanGuard has in her eyes. Also no doubt in the eyes of anyone that Gwyn subsequently shares the information of VanGuard's 'suicidal state' with.

Not to mention that, with enough evidence, there can be serious.. issues, shall we say.. that could and probably would arise in his immediate life should friends or family hear of his 'depressed suicidal state'. Do you have any idea where such allegations, especially when backed up with 'evidence', can land a supposedly suicidal person?

Really Shadow Weaver? The 'I'm-totally-sane-and-totally-credible-which-is-why-I'm-holding-this-gun-to-my-head-so-you'll-all-listen-to-me-and-love-me-and-hold-me-tight-and-bake-me-pastries strategy'? At this point I'm not sure which I'd rather be true, that you have a terrible sense of humour or that you're just terrible at giving advice.

If the latter, and you're seriously suggesting this, I'd hate to see what you'd do when desiring the attention of someone and the resolution of an issue.

By the way, when you don't get roast beef for dinner do you go straight for the explosives, or start with a razor blade over your wrist?