QUOTE
Your Java installation is damaged. <Insert x86 folder Java installation here> Please point the Java version in this folder to a 64-bit installation.
My Java isn't damaged, I'm just using the 32-bit one. Sup, retarded error messages. Installed 64-bit Java, problem solved.
Also, I lol'd at tech support sites suggesting users to change shit to 64-bit in their x86 folder and them buying it, causing obvious 32-bit errors afterwards.