[X] My Assistant

Their hats are round.

Their staffs do not have a knob on the end.

And instead of Magic Missile and Fireball they cast Magic Punch and Magic Kick only it's just a punch and a kick with the word Magic attached to the front and then capitalized because that's what capitalism does to you.

Unless you're Apple, in which case you can get away with shit like iPod and iMac and iPad and iTampons.

I think you got them mixed up with Wizards of the Coast, now. They are both lacking spikes and knobs, but the differences are there.

Wizards, I mean. Not Apple. Apple is a completely legitimate firm. I expect them to launch iHentai any day now. This should cause a notable community split and OS wars over at Tech Chat. At least among all three people who frequent it.

Oh, sweet Jesus, this is taking forever to transcode and it makes me want to stab someone.

I am of the opinion that they are just all one person.

Two are so fat they're actually one account.

So the two real accounts are operated by one dude. He made a new account so he could talk to somebody, even if it was himself, in Tech Chat. But he realized that it seemed hollow and lame so he split that second account into two.

Now he believes they are different people.

Poor deluded fucker.

Nothing wrong with talking to yourself, of course. Disagreeing with yourself is fine too. But when you start pulling the "your mom" card, questions about personal hygiene and Godwin's Law, it's time to take a look in the mirror.

Without saying "fuck you" to the asshole showing up there.

This post has been edited by NHayder: Mar 18 2011, 06:48

Every time I talk to myself it never ends well.

I wish I could find some common ground with myself but due to my fucking girth I cover so much of it that it's hard to traverse.

Could try rolling. Bonus points if you hum the Katamari Damacy tune at the same time. Even more bonus points if you get random passersby stuck to you.

I tried, but dude's kind of a square. Doesn't roll easily. And I mean square square. His hip is totally square, and even the power of love can't move him.

In that case, I suggest trying a yellow bird that goes "Wark?". Failing that, start a partnership with Disney. Just don't show them any proud creations of Mickey and Minnie shtoinking.

Giant cupcakes are stupid. Its contrary to the concept of cupcakes.

Not for giants. For giants giant cupcakes are cupcakes because they are the size of a giant cup.

I need whatever drugs Blorg is on. That must be some good shit.

The high is amazing, beautiful and with 16 different colors.
The hangover comes with self-loathing, depression and the crushing realization that FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.

Self-loathing and depression? Pssh, I deal with that shit all the time. That's not a hangover, that's a Tuesday. Gimme them drugs!

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE,

We can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way. Choose the easy way, please.

Really, any word with "face" in it is going to result in something nasty, usually involving violence or stupid/horrendous Internet memes. I think we're beyond reasoning already.

I choose the way that is. The path to the mind is filled with much hardship, but salvation exists in a drill saw. Cut through the illusions, cut through the skin, the skull. Carve away the bones and meat, reaching the tender gray delight within. Much like the hidden candy inside a Tootsie Roll Pop, sweet and delectable and oh so chewy and soft.

Mr. Hannibal, how many licks does it take to get to the center? I keep licking and licking but my tongue is getting dry may I please have a cup of water sir I don't think I can last much longer this way to go man I see what you did there is no way out of here is where the home is that a car I see I am a palindrome is I am Sam and the cat with the hat and the green eggs and spam and Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally she's quite old and infirm and I believe she has eaten my dog.

I believe that answers that. You've left me no choice... but to think of a hard way now.