[X] My Assistant

SCRIPTYPANTS NUMBER 3

Booming Voice: Previously, on BASTARD...

[Screen appears in Longscreen TV, with black bars on the sides of the screen, squishing all the action between them. A title screen appears, reading "Bland Hospital D&Drama" (With the "D&" spraypainted in).]

Doctor 1: I need 10 CCs of holy water, stat!
Nurse 1: That won't be enough!
Doctor 1: I'm the half-elf 10th level Cleric, my word is law!

Doctor 2: What in the Underdark were you thinking?!
Med Student 1: I guess I don't have enough ranks in my Heal skill yet..

Doctor 1: [To Doctor 2] Somedays I just don't think we were meant to play Corellon Larethian...

Booming Voice: And now the thrilling conclusion!

[Longscreen fades away?]

Susky: "-you?"

Old Man: "Do thou seekest thy weapon to destroy thy anguished ones?"

Susky: "Uhhh, sure..."

Old Man: "Ah, I remember when they first came about. It started when... [improv]"

Embol's Thoughts: Man... Pie is so delicious...

[Due to the inane thought, he goes crosseyed with bewilderment.]

Embol's Thoughts: There's blueberry... raspberry... pumpkin... french silk... but french silk usually tastes like a freezer... that's gross...

[Drool forms on Embol's bottom lip.]

[Camera pans to Susky, who is picking his ear with his pinky. He stops after a time, sniffs his pinky, and grimaces, pulling his finger from his face. He takes on a look of contemplation as he continues staring at his pinky, then licks it and proceeds to gag and dry-heave.]

Old Man: "[end improv] ...And I told that damn blasted fool Mark that hentai is serious business..." [He points to the cave] "There, that is where you will find the weapon to defeat your foes. Would you like to hear what I said again?"

[Dialogue Box comes up with >Yes No]

Susky: "Nah, we're good."

[Cursor moves to No and flashes]

Embol: "What the fuck? We didn't hear anything he said! We just skipped through his entire speech!"

Susky: "It's cool, I got the gist. I mean, we've played enough video games, you dork. All we gotta do is go into the cave, get the weapon after some climactic battle, and then we go kill those little emo brats."

Embol: "I hate you so much, you don't even know."

Susky: "Oh, I think I do."

[Susky starts into the ominous looking cave.]

Susky: "I just don't care."

Embol: "We're going to get screwed so hard."

[Embol hangs his head and follows.]

[The Old Man is left, and mutters things about today's youth.]

Old Man: "Kids these days, don't listen to their elders. Back when I was young I'd get whipped for ten hours straight if I didn't say a five hundred word report on everything my grandaddy told me. I still remember back when it was thirty degress all day and we had to walk to school in shorts and t-shirts with six feet of snow on the ground. All it was uphill both ways, before these newfangled physics were involved."

[Old Man goes to reading a newspaper, closeup of front page shows title for article:
"Donkey Pirates of HMS Queerfag Go on Booty Grabbing Expedition".]

[Fade out or some shit]

[Embol and Susky slowly rise up through the trap door as fog rolls through. Girl is lying on her bed with a pair of headphones on, but in the background, creepy organ music plays.]

Embol: "Heeey, little giiiiiiiiirl..."

[Girl glances over and goes wide-eyed, and is about to scream.]

Susky: Goddammit! Cancel pedophilic rage mode! [Susky slaps Embol in the back of the head, a record scratches (cutting the organ music), and the two go normal]

Embol: "Do you know anything that can beat emo kids? Like, this old dude said there's a weapon around here, somewhere."

[While Embol asks the girl about what she knows of the Emo kids, Susky starts looking around. A soccer-ball sized d20 poofs out of thin air and lands on the ground, but lands on a 2]

Susky: "FUCK!"

[Susky kicks the d20, it ricochets of a Ricky Martin poster (ha!), bounces off his head, causing him to fall down and lands on a 20. Susky zooms to some crazy dream sequence that involves Embol and Girl getting it on with a goat or something, while the song "Happy Together" plays. He wakes up in a fervent sweat, we only see his face to find Embol and the girl talking. All of a sudden, her father bursts in, and finds Susky on the floor in his underpants.]

[As Susky scrambles back to his feet by the sudden great noise, he notices he's in his underpants.] "What the fuck?!" [Looks down.] "Where are my clothes?!"

Girl: "Uh, heheh, hi... hi, Dad."

[Her father stares daggers at the two young men on his daughter's floor.]

Girl: "Oh! These are my new friends, Embol and Susky. Don't mind the fact that he's almost naked, but see, he hit his head, or rather, something hit him in the head. So we're washing his clothes."

[Dad seems to have moved closer somehow]

Girl [uneasily]: "Dad, seriously, it's... i-it's..." [Looks back and says more calmly, eyes narrowed.] "Yeah, it's probably what it looks like."

[Dad seems to have hovered closer.]

Embol: "Uh, Susky?"

Susky: "Yeah?"

Embol: "Got any plans?"

[Closer still.]

Susky: "I would, but my sword is in my pocket, and it's probably ruined now." [Susky glares at Embol. Embol smiles back and shrugs. Screen fades to black, we hear a thwack and the sound of two bodies hitting the floor.]

Booming Voice: "What will happen to our heroes? Can those two guys find their way out of this jam? Will the attractive young teenage girl save her two new friends and show off her boobies? Find out next time, on BASTARD!"

THE END!

BASTARD TRIVIA

- The headline on Old Man's newspaper is foreshadowing into BASTARD: Season 2 (tentatively titled "We're Still Making This Shit?!")

- "Booming Voice" is played by Mecha-Earl Jones.

- The d20 scene is once again based on an actual event in Susky's life.

- The father's role is insignificant and a contrived plot device merely for some very hilarious happenings in BASTARD 4. (You could've guessed that much!)

- Embol rapes dead babies.

- It's cool, though, 'cause Susky rapes them first. That's why they're dead babies.