[X] My Assistant

As of the other night, Radixius and I are halfway through episode 4 of BASTARD. It may show up in the Unfinished projects, but it might not. This, however, is episode 2. Enjoy.

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(Exterior of some gay Emo club, or whatever, I don't give a crap)

(Some flaming Susky comes in stage right, and since he was so flaming, rushes into said gay Emo club, to seek refuge from his flames, instead of stopping,

drizz-opping and rolling right there like he should have... because this is a cartoon and no one cares... he may be screaming.)

Susky: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Pail of water is thrown at Susky from the left (since I'm assuming this is a side view, and the left of the screen would be Susky's front), dousing the

flames. Pan camera left and there's Embol with a bucket.)

Susky: "What in God's name are you doing here?"

Embol: "What aren't I doing here? I'm putting a stop to this flaming idiocy with this here bucket. Though I'm out of water, now..."

(Camera zooms out to reveal the emo concert)

Susky: "Oh, Jesus, where the shit are we?"

Embol: "Either you died and we're in the deepest bowels of hell itself, or we're at some kind of gay emoland concert."

Susky: "Let's see..." (Camera slowly pans from side to side) "...Looks like hell to me, though I've never really been."

(Embol throws the bucket at Susky)

Embol: "That was possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

(The bucket is followed by the camera, which flies up and hits some random emo twat on the head, causing him to start towards Embol & Susky.)

Random Emo Twat: "Why did you hit me on the head, you conformists? Do I threaten you with my unwillingness to live, but also having no balls to kill myself

like I say I will on a daily basis?"

(Susky, ignoring the Random Emo Twat, shoves him out of the way, and into another RET)

Susky: "What the hell, man? That really hurt!"

(RET1 and RET2 go back over to Embol and Susky)

RET2: "Look at these bright-clothes-wearing assholes. You posers, I bet you're, like, jocks or something."

(Embol punches that fucker.)

Embol (Immediately after the punch): "Well, you must like boys, because you molest them all the goddamn time!"

(Several more RETs, including 1 and 2, head towards S&E)

Susky: "Hahaha!" (In a mock-tremble) "Oh, no! V-v-vampires! What're we gonna do?"

Embol: "Come on, they're anemic little idiots, let's just punch our way out of here."

(Susky punches one in the face, and it slowly turns its head back towards him)

Embol: "Oh schat!"

Susky: "You were wrong..."

Embol: (Sarcastically) "SURPRISE!"

(RETs slowly close in on Embol & Susky, moaning, maybe, there's a fade out, a wholloping sound, or whatever. On fade in, it shows Embol & Susky outside the

club, bruised and battered.)

Embol: "Okay, what just happened there?"

Susky: "We got mauled."

Embol: "Yeah, but how?"

Susky (Simultaneously): "Because you're an idiot..."

Embol: "Oh, so it's my fault now?"

Susky: "Yeah, you're the one that said (mockingly) 'Just punch your way out.'"

Embol (Simultaneously): "Wait, wait wait, hold up!"

Susky (Getting up): "Let's just leave and never speak about this to ANYONE, ever."

Embol: "I think those little bastards stole my wallet... We have to go back in."

Susky: "And do what? Get the crap beat out of us? Besides, your wallet is of no importance to me, anyway."

Embol: "I'm the one that has the job and the money."

(Cut to the house interior, where Ashley is. Susky is closer to the background.)

Embol: "Hey, we got our asses kicked by emo kids, and we need to find a way to make them slit their wrists."

(Simultaneous: Slide-whistle falling sound. Susky looks up, his mouth gapes open in horror, and then a forest background crashes down onto him.)

Susky: (Sounds of pain intermixed) "What the.. fuck.."

Ashley: "Maybe there's something in there."

Embol: "Ya think?"

Susky: "I am in (gasp) excrutiating pain here!"

(Slight pause, then sounds of digging and grunting start.)

Embol: "Hey, where'd Susky go?"

Ashley: "Wasn't he just over there?"

Susky: (Bursts up through the ground) "GRAR!"

Embol: "Ohhhh, there he was."

Susky: (Possibly has bits of dirt in his hair and mouth) "Thanks a fucking lot, guys."

Embol: (Starts into the forest, causing the camera to pan forward and exit the house part) "Wow, this really is a forest."

Susky: "Oh, I guess I just don't exist anymore."

Embol: "Not in this mind, you don't."

Susky: "Wait, wha?"

Embol: "Oh yeah, that's right, I went there."

Susky: "Well, so long as we're here, let's find weapons of outrageous powers that just happen to look almost exactly like the weapons we're using."

Embol: "Funderful."

(Insert Easter Egg: Click on a tree and watch the raping clown dash between a couple of trees.)

Susky: "I've played enough bad video games to know when we're trapped in a cliche. We might as well play it out."

(Gay montage thing set to some J-Pop song from DDR, then the group stumbles on David Bowie hanging out. The song ends after he creates an awesome rainbow)

Embol: "Power of voodoo."

Susky: "Who do?"

Embol: "You do."

Susky: "Do what?"

Bowie: "Shut the hell up, bitches!" (poke, kick)

(After poking Embol in the eyes and kicking Susky in the nuts, he throws them onto the rainbow, which launches them through the sky and crashing to the

ground in front of a cave)

Susky: (cough) "Fuck.." (cough cough) "Right in the Mario brothers.."

Embol: "Holy balls, what in the hell is that?!"

Susky: (still leaning over, nursing his wounds, and not seeing the monster before them)
"David Bowie just assaulted us, that's what in the hell that was! Gonna sue the pants off of him.."

(Slight pause before Susky notices the giant Penismonster)

Susky: "...Uh... Wow."

Embol: (winking one eye profusely) "Reminds me of a bad porn I once watched... fifty times in a row..."

Susky: "Oh dear lord.. We're gonna get killed by a giant penis and he's cracking jokes.."

Embol: "I never planned on mutilating us."

Susky: "Despite your being a huge dick, that's not what I mean."

(Fight commensicon)

Embol: "Fuck this, time for a soda break."

(Embol takes a bottle of Toxic Lime out of nowhere, pops the cap off, and starts to drink, when the giant penis slaps the drink out of his hand. The bottle

flies up and lands upside-down inside the penis's peehole, emptying out. The giant penis turns green, shrivels up, and dies.)

Susky: "Wow, that's just sad. And painful."

Embol: "No shit, I could feel that, yeesh."

Susky: "Well, with the giant penis out of the way, let's go in this cave, why not?"

(They walk into the cave, making sure to avoid the penis... because, well, it's a fucking penis. After meandering through the cave, they come upon a lone

old man sitting on a rock.)

Susky: "Who are--"

THE END
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Radixius will probably say that Ash's lines need to be changed here, too. I like the end result of this one, though.

There's another easter egg, too, but it's shorter and will probably be lengthened later on. That's it, though, as Radi said, "Have at it."

Embol is rad no doubt, but where'd you get "Embol" from?

A secret.
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Trivvles:

1. The David Bowie segment is Susky's favorite bit we've done so far, I am not so easily swayed.

2. The falling forest scene was inspired by an event of similar happenstance in Susky's life.

3. The penis battle was actually going to be a battle scene a la Slime from episode 1, but then we figured that we didn't care and stopped.

4. The stunt actors hired for the emo action sequence were actually emo preteens, and died from injuries inflicted by Susky and Embol.

5. Radixius was actually in a scene of Labyrinth, but now you get to find out which one.

6. David Bowie is actually voiced by Brian Dennehy