It looks mostly fine to me for a first translation, but here are a few comments.
(Note that I'm not proofreading it, I'm just checking the translation. Though I might correct a few English mistakes along the way.)
Also, isn't this, like, the wrong thread to discuss this?
Title: 茜 さん エロ すぎ です。
Akane san is too erotic.
I'd go with a more common word here, like you did in the afterword: "Akane-san is too hot."
Also, I think it's just a matter of taste, but there is usually a dash between names and honorifics in English.
沖縄
Okinawa (a place in Japan)
I think it's more common to put translation notes between brackets, rather than between parentheses (because you may want to use the latter in the translation sometimes).
蔵本の別荘
zouhon's villa
It's 蔵木, not 蔵本 -> "Kuraki's villa"
panel 5
今度戦いに
行けば二度と
帰ってこれないかも
しれないのよ。。。
If we go to this battle,
we won't even know if we
will return home.
I know some people like splitting the Japanese text according to how it was split in the bubble, but splitting the English text is utterly useless: it's the typesetter's work to do it, and they'll probably won't split it the same way as you did, because they'll base their decision on the font they use, it's size, the bubble's size, etc.
Also, it should be "we
don't even know if we will
be able to return home".
その前に私と
その。。。え。。。Hして
欲しいの！
So... before that
I want you to have
um.. s...sex with me!
".." is not a valid punctuation mark, it should be "..."
This looks okay because of the way you split it, but when it's written on a single line, it gives "I want you to have um... s...sex with me!", which shows that there should probably be an ellipsis after "have".
慶太君の。。。もう
こんなに硬く
なってるよ。。。
See, Keita kun's already (or See, it already)
became this stiff...
Not "became", but "become".
Also, you did something here that beginner translators usually do, but that sounds terrible in English: using the third person (because that's how it's said in Japanese) when it should be the second. "See, Keita-kun's already become this stiff..." -> "See, you've already become this stiff..."
そ。。。それは
茜さんが
こするからでっ！
I..it's because
Akane san is doing that! (or Akane san is rubbing it)
See above.
panel 2
すごい。。。慶太君の
おちんちん。。。昔に
見た時と全然違う。。。
Wow...Keita kun's
penis is not at all
like in old days
"in the old days" is more common (though I think both are actually okay).
Also, see above.
Also, I know nothing about Kurokami, so I may be totally wrong, but, judging from the way she says it, it sounds like she only saw his penis once in the past. It could be reflected better by changing the sentence to "Your penis looks completely different from that time when I saw it when we were kids." (Well, it be a bit too long, though.)
先から透明な
お汁出てきてる。。。
And your white juice has
started too ooze...
"too" -> "to"
透明 is not "white", but "transparent/translucent".
Moreover, judging from the way she says it, it's more "(some) transparent juice" than "your transparent juice".
んっ♡
lick
No, this is simply a moan, such as "Mnn!", "Mmh", etc.
うあっ (no need to translate this, I guess)
Actually, I think you do need to translate it, even if it's just a moan. Because, well, moans are important in porn. Seriously. Also, if you're going to translate every single sound effect, why won't you translate moans?
By the way, it's "Wah!", "Aah!", or whatever.
最初はおっぱいで
してあげるね♡
First I will do it
with my breasts (or first I will give you a tit-job...but sounds vulgar)
You're right, titjob is too vulgar here, since she uses pretty neutral words in Japanese in terms of vulgarity.
sfx: むにゅっ - press (it was 'grope' in jadednetwork though)
The Jaded Network is a nice place to find a few sound effects at the beginning, but you should try to find a way to understand sound effects on your own at some point, because sound effects adapt to the situation, and something like むにゅ, which usually means "grope", can indeed mean "press" in this situation (though, more generally, it's actually a "squishing" sound that denotes softness).
え？ 慶太君の
部屋にあった
DVDの中で
こういうこと
してるの
みたんだけど。。。
Ah..I saw this in
a DVD in your room
"Ah
... I saw
a woman do this in a DVD in your room
..." is a bit closer to the original sentence (and a bit longer, to mirror the length of the original sentence).
ちょっつ
何勝手に
みてんだよ！！
Wai(t)...what are you
doing with my stuff (or why are you seeing it without asking me/without my permission)
"Hey!! Don't look at my stuff without my permission!" sounds better to me.
んっ♡ - lick
んっ♡
No, see somewhere above.
sfx: レロ レロ ー roll
This, is a licking sound effect, though.
んうっ♡
んむっ♡
A few more moans to translate. I won't point them out anymore from here on.
sfx:じゅるっ ー boobs moving sound
じゅぽっ ー boobs moving sound
にゅるっ - taking the dick in mouth sound
ぬりゅっ - taking the dick out mouth sound
(1st, 2nd and 4th are my guesses)
1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th are wrong, though... 1st and 2nd are produced by sucking, while 3rd and 4th are produced by rubbing against her breasts (just look at the sound effects positions to convince yourself).
1st: wet slurping sound
2nd: sucking-then-popping sound (sucking, then the dick pops out of her mouth (I can't think of a better term than "popping" to imitate this sound, but I don't know if what I mean is clear...)) [edit: or, more probably, the ぽ part indicates that his dick is going deeper inside her mouth.]
3rd and 4th: rubbing against wet surface
sfx: びゅくっ - dick ejecting sound (I guess)
ビュクッ - dick compress sound (I guess)
These two sounds are exactly the same, used in the same context, why did you translate them differently? (They're both spurting sounds, by the way.)
きれいにして
あげるね♡
sfx:ちゅうううっ - suck (kiss)
I will clean this up
Your script is sometimes a bit messy (like here, and somewhere above too, but I forgot to mention it), because you're putting lines (here the sucking/kissing sound effect) between a line and it's translation.
茜さんっ！
イったばかりで
そんなに
吸われたらっ。。。
Akane.....if you
suck that much...
You only translated half of the line: "I just came, so if you suck on it that much..."
そりゃ茜さんが
吸うからだろ。。。
It's because Akane san is
sucking it...
Third person.
茜さん。。。
ここまでされたら
おれだってもう
我慢できないよ。。。
Akane san....
now I can't hold back
anymore.....
You didn't translate an important part of the sentence: "Now that you've done this to me, I can't hold back anymore", "I can't hold back anymore now that we've gone this far"...
じゃあ挿入れるから
痛かったら言ってよ。。。
Then....I'm inserting
Tell if it hurts....
I know 挿入 means "insertion", but it's common hentai slang: 挿入れる is supposed to be read 入れる (just like 膣内射精 is supposed to be read 中出し), so it's "I'm putting it in".
慶太君と
こうなれて私
すごく幸せよ。。。
I'm really happy that
it is with you...
She's not just talking about her first time, but more generally about the fact that she's having sex with him.
慶太君の
おちんちん
熱いよぉ。。。
Ahh...Keita's penis is hot...
Third person.
慶太君の
オチンチンが
奥に
ズンズンって
当たるのぉっ！
Keita kun's penis is
thumping me all the way
to the inside.
Third person.
Also, "Keita-kun, your penis is hitting deep inside me again and again so fast!" sounds a bit better to me (though it's still not very good).
い。。。いっぱい。。。
出て。。。るう。。。
So much...is filling me... (so much is coming)
"You're... coming... so much..." sounds better to me.
私。。。今日が
初めてなのに。。。どんどん
気持ち良くなってくるっ！
Though..today is my first time
It's getting more and more
pleasurable.
"It just keeps feeling better and better" sounds better to me.
茜さんっ！
俺またでそう。。。
あっ♡
いいよ。。。
Not translated?
あ。。。
すごい。。。
こんなにいっぱい。。。
妊娠しちゃうかも。。。
Idem.
こんにちは府中幅在住のEiジです。
Hello! I am Eiji from Fuchuu (Hiroshima).
市, not 幅. 府中市 is part of the Tokyo metropolis. [
en.wikipedia.org]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuchū, Tokyoあんなムチムチの女性がそばにいながら、 何もしない慶太はなんあんでしょうか！
Keeping such a plumpy(?) lady beside him, why the heck does Keita does not do anything!
"What the heck is wrong with Keita for him not to do anything when he has such a voluptuous lady by his side all the time?" sounds better to me.
理解できませんw (Thanks to @mogugu for the 1st two kanji)
I don't understand...w
"w" means "lol".
。。。さて、 今後の活動ですが、 夏コミでハヤテ本を出す予定です。
詳しくはサイトをご覧ください。 では～。
....Well, about my activities from here on out, I plan to release "hayate"
in this summary comiket. For more details, please visit the site. See ya~.
"summary" -> "summery" -> "summer"
"hayate" -> "ハヤテのごとく" -> "Hayate the Combat Butler"
"I plan to release a Hayate book during this summer comiket"
"please visit
my site."
This post has been edited by KirbyDances: Feb 14 2016, 14:29
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