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> Prologue to my book, I know it sucks.

 
post Jul 19 2009, 01:31
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gamagaeru



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Prologue




It was in the warm midday sun that he would ponder the consequences of what was about to take place. The world around seemingly had something sinister in store. Despite the well-dressed appearance, everyone had nothing to spew from their ill-mannered tongues but profanity and ridicule. They all confuse his withdrawal from them as fear but unbeknownst to them, a darker side never seen, his defense mechanism - his id was about to be revealed for all to see.

"Leave me alone!" he yells to the top of his lungs. "Just go away!"

It's no use, in his adrenaline-laced state of confusion he sees everything around him lose color. These people are becoming more than just a mere nuicanse and seem as unworthy of existence like fecal matter stuck on his boot heels. A more primal and animalistic emotion wells up from within him then everything fades to black.

Now he lies by the river injured and with bloodied hands confused as to his whereabouts. An unmistakable taste of blood was in his mouth then he spits out somebody else's flesh. The sight and taste of it causes him to vomit uncontrollably. He gets up slowly and staggers along the river into the horizon.
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post Jul 19 2009, 04:01
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Blutkaefer



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Hmmm. This wasn't a bad start, but it seemed a little rushed to me. I can tell you want to start your story with some action, which is completely fine, but a little more backstory would be appreciated. Also, the first paragraph happens in the past, while the other ones take place in the present, if you look at the verbs you used. I would try to make them one or the other.

Other than that, I want to see where this story is going.
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post Jul 24 2009, 19:31
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Dongs McGee



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I ain't want to write your story for you, but before anything else, two things: you got tense agreement errors, as has been said--it looks like you're trying to use past + present where you should be using past + past participle, which would be a much better fit because it's just a lot more natural when compared to how people really speak--and you got highbrow, which is good for a linguist to have, but not so good for an author to have because big, fancy words take away from the story seeing as how 99% of the reading world will just hate how they interpret your "attitude" towards them when you use such words, even if you don't mean to give attitude.

I mean, seriously. I, and most other people, would be more inclined to give it a better read if I didn't feel like it was narrating down at me. Remember: down to, good; down at, bad.

This post has been edited by Dongs McGee: Jul 24 2009, 19:38
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post Jul 25 2009, 23:13
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gamagaeru



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Thanks for the tips!
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post Jul 26 2009, 14:24
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Raaby



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QUOTE(Dongs McGee @ Jul 24 2009, 13:31) *

I ain't want to write your story for you,


Yeah, I can see where that would be problematic.
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post Jul 28 2009, 03:09
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Dongs McGee



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Amusingly enough, from a dialectical point of view, that's perfect form.

EDIT Dialectical my ass, that shit's stylistic.

v Haha, you seriously lecturin' a linguist-author about style and dialect?

This post has been edited by Dongs McGee: Jul 29 2009, 22:03
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post Jul 29 2009, 21:09
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Raaby



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Whatever you need to tell yourself to justify your flaws snd sleep at night. Dialects serve no purpose on the internet, as nobody needs to know how much you can further abuse the English language.
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post Jul 30 2009, 00:25
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Gregorius



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QUOTE(Dongs McGee @ Jul 27 2009, 19:09) *

Amusingly enough, from a dialectical point of view, that's perfect form.

EDIT Dialectical my ass, that shit's stylistic.

No, that's just retardation in its purest form.
"ain't" = "am not"; therefore "I ain't want" = "I am not want".
I am not want your excuses and lies; that's a butchery of the language.

Also, if that's the entirety of your prologue, I promise not to expect much - or anything at all when if your book finally gets published.

This post has been edited by Gregorius: Jul 30 2009, 00:26
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post Jul 30 2009, 00:57
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I love you, Greg.
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post Jul 30 2009, 03:44
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gamagaeru



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QUOTE(Gregorius @ Jul 29 2009, 17:25) *

No, that's just retardation in its purest form.
"ain't" = "am not"; therefore "I ain't want" = "I am not want".
I am not want your excuses and lies; that's a butchery of the language.

Also, if that's the entirety of your prologue, I promise not to expect much - or anything at all when if your book finally gets published.


Thanks for your vote of confidence - seriously. Lowered expectations is a good thing and it seems I also need to appeal to the lowest common denominator of my target audience - whoever that will be.
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post Jul 30 2009, 03:48
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Dongs McGee



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QUOTE(Gregorius @ Jul 30 2009, 00:25) *

No, that's just retardation in its purest form.
"ain't" = "am not"; therefore "I ain't want" = "I am not want".
I am not want your excuses and lies; that's a butchery of the language.

Well, as the colloquialism goes, ain't no thang. No need to get your panties in a bunch over a word that's simply emerged through sociolinguistic phenomenon.

Chillax, dogg--though I guess even though it's just a casual expression, you'll probably get up in arms about how that isn't a standardized word either.
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post Aug 23 2009, 01:37
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Going into "editor" mode. I give constructive criticism and sometimes forget to give comments that will pad the ego. It's not you, it's my lack of tact.

It was in the warm midday sun that he would ponder the consequences of what was about to take place.
The tense makes it a little awkward, but this sentence isn't bad.

The world around seemingly had something sinister in store.
"Seemingly" makes the sentence awkward. "The world seemed to have something sinister in store" might work better.

Despite the well-dressed appearance, everyone had nothing to spew from their ill-mannered tongues but profanity and ridicule. They all confuse his withdrawal from them as fear but unbeknownst to them, a darker side never seen, his defense mechanism - his id was about to be revealed for all to see.

Not going to lie, I don't like this part. The sentences are too long and awkward. You need to break them up or at least at some commas. Using "a darker side never seen" and "revealed for all to see" in the same sentence just sounds clumsy. I think you need to drop some hints about what's going on. Otherwise rings too melodramatic without enough substance.

"Leave me alone!" he yells to the top of his lungs. "Just go away!"
It's no use, in his adrenaline-laced state of confusion he sees everything around him lose color. These people are becoming more than just a mere nuicanse (sic) and seem as unworthy of existence like fecal matter stuck on his boot heels. A more primal and animalistic emotion wells up from within him then everything fades to black.

Now he lies by the river injured and with bloodied hands confused as to his whereabouts. An unmistakable taste of blood was in his mouth then he spits out somebody else's flesh. The sight and taste of it causes him to vomit uncontrollably. He gets up slowly and staggers along the river into the horizon.


The tense issue has already been mentioned. You spelled "nuisance" wrong. "An unmistakable taste of blood was in his mouth..." is too passive and screws with flow of the present tense verb "spits." Maybe "He tastes blood in his mouth and spits out someone else's flesh" or whatever tense you want it in. You might not want to use "taste" again in the next sentence.

Now, onto the bigger picture. This is a very very short prologue for a book. Also, what is going on with your protagonist? Is he meant to be likable? Right now he strikes me as deeply troubled and/or pretentious. I agree with call for more background or maybe context clues. Maybe you could add a sampling of whatever profanity and ridicule others are spewing. Or you could reference an incident that might have triggered this deep displeasure your protagonist is feeling. I don't know if this is meant to be present day, a fantasy world, ancient Egypt or what. This does feel rushed, almost more of a summary than any sort of introduction.

I hope that was helpful. I might post a chapter or something here and maybe you can critique it too.

OT: Greg made me laugh.

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